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HindustanTimes Sun,20 Apr 2014

Rejection is good for the soul: Cyrus Broacha

Cyrus Broacha, Hindustan Times  New Delhi, July 15, 2013
First Published: 12:42 IST(15/7/2013) | Last Updated: 14:58 IST(15/7/2013)

I had oral sex with my then girlfriend’s best friend in 9th grade in the peon’s room in school. We did it once again in the 10th. My girlfriend and I soon broke up and I moved on forgetting about her friend too. But now her friend wants me back. I don’t want to get involved again. She’s threatening me that she’ll talk about our intercourse to others. Please help.
—The needy
Ah, your question pertains to matters beyond my limited expertise. You see I studied at Wharton Business School as well as the Harvard School of Romance, so I stick to love and stay away from the physical expression of it. But since your limited budget leaves you no choice but myself, let me share my two bits. If she’s threatening to expose you, I say stand up to her now before things get even worse. You’ve broken up with your girlfriend so she has nothing on you. PS: The act you refer to is not intercourse. To find out more on this subject, please read Jackie Collins or Cyrus and Wagarkatti.

I have a crush on my school friend. We haven’t been in contact with each other for the past seven-eight months. I want to ask her out but her friend told me that she has deleted my number and she may also have a boyfriend. What should I do?
—Svk
Svk, let me explain the difference between a friend and a detective: (a) You pay detectives, (b) Detectives wear coats, and (c) Friends are shorter. So you can see clearly, that the old adage, a friend in need or otherwise cannot be trusted, is absolutely true. Don’t go by hearsay. Instead, hire a professional, a detective, to research your chances. Don’t worry, rejection is good for the soul.

I have been seeing a guy for the past two years. We both love each other a lot. My family is against him because he is not from our caste. A couple of priests have also told them that he is not good for me. How should I balance everything?
—HB
Do you really need me to answer? I take it you had a good education. You’re widely read? You’ve limited scientific thought? If so, then why do you bother with people who study animal entrails, or which way the wind is blowing, or planetary positions, to determine what colour underwear is safe for you to wear? Yes it’s about balance, but your parents’ thought process is completely off balance. Please welcome them to the world of rational thought. It’s easier than you think.

My sister’s friend likes the same guy that I like. She recently added him on Facebook. I told my sister to tell her to unfriend him, but she didn’t listen. So my sister gave me her account ID and password. I logged in from her account and asked the guy whether he likes her. He said no. This girl doesn’t want to listen and continues talking to him even after knowing the truth. Please tell me what should I do so that he starts hating her?
— Alia Shaikh
Alia why are you focusing on her? Aren’t you in love with him? I mean if you love him, focus on him, chat with him, connect with him, and she and all others will gradually melt away. Now by cracking her password and posing as her, you are showing early signs of psychopathic behaviour. Ted Bundy, the serial killer had the exact same beginnings, so get back to normalcy, ignore her, as he is doing.

Just write to uncle cy. And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.

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