Just write to uncle Cy. And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time.
I have had a crush on a girl for the last two years. We met each other at our tuition classes and instantly became friends. Soon I started liking her, and she
started to open up to me as well. Things were going smoothly but suddenly she lost interest and we don’t talk like we used to. I can't get her out of my mind. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
— Mr Whatdoido
It’s amazing to see the number of romances that are born in tuition classes. I mean, does anybody even study anymore? I’m surprised tuition classes across India haven’t collapsed as fast as Greece’s economy. Now as your love tutor, let me tell you, you’ve had your chance and you’ve shown her your dance. She seems to have lost interest. So I think you should do what America should have done in Iraq a long time ago — pull out. However, since you’re in love and love is stronger than plastic. You can’t let go without a fight. So I suggest you lie a little low, give her space and, after some time, try and ‘accidentally’ bump into her. Gauge her reaction. Remember what Hector told Achilles, “It’s better to live and fight another day.”
I am 18 and I was seeing a guy for nearly eight months. He was cheating on me, so we broke up. I then started seeing someone else, but the first guy still had a place in my heart. He tried to ask me out again, but I refused. However, I feel the need for him. He is currently dating the girl he cheated on me with. My friends say he doesn’t deserve me. What should I do?
— M Parmar
M, at a time like this, you must turn to western civilisation’s biggest invention after wigs and sausages — the law (It’s yet to make an entry in India, of course). Since he’s cheated on you once, he needs to regain your trust. Have your lawyer draw up a contract, which says that if he cheats on you again, he will have to incur certain penalties. These may range from shaving his eyebrow to err... shaving both eyebrows. Though lightening his pocket always seems to have the best impact. If you need a lawyer, I can recommend my father. And since you’re a good friend who I only know as the letter M, I’ll make sure he charges you only twice what other lawyers would. Please
proceed with caution.
It’s been a year since I fell in love with a girl. We talk every evening and these chats have literally become oxygen to my life. She looks at me as a close friend. I am scared to express my feelings. I don’t want to lose a friend. What should I do?
Is this a girl or an older woman? Now let me explain. Clearly, a girl chats with you every single day. Well in Cantonese, Latin, Spanish and Korean, that translates into a more-than-casual-acquaintance. I mean, who else do you talk to everyday. Your family, your dog, your taxi driver, and your waterman? I rate this relationship as high as the four mentioned above. So yes, find the right opportunity and lay it all on the line. Don’t land up sad and lonely.. err with your taxi driver.
I am 24 and have liked a girl since I was nine. We were friends in school and have known each other for 15 years. As I was pursuing post-graduate studies, I haven’t had the time to see her in the last two years. She is the only girl I have ever loved. I want to marry her. How should I convince her and her family?
— Bakhtyar Panday
Fifteen years. Your dedication would put Shah Jahan to shame. I mean after Mumtaz died, he lasted three weeks before returning to his harem. It’s so different to relate to you in a world where the usual length of a relationship is four years. She’s not like a book. You can’t just marry her; you have to woo her first. That should take another 15 years. Then, another 15 to convince her family. You will need 45 years to plan the wedding as well. So better hit the play button and engage her in conversations so that one day, long, long after, you may enjoy at least a couple of years of marriage.