iconimg Monday, April 27, 2015

Manas Chakravarty
August 25, 2012
Twitter suspends Milind Deora’s genuine account, lets fake handle stay
— Press Trust of India, August 24  PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi :Due to recent disturbances, we have had to take strict measures to regulate the internet.  PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: We have banned the website of the International Muslim Federation, imf.org, for carrying inflammatory material about economic policies of friendly countries.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: Due to recent incidents in Dodoland, we are blocking all references to Dodos on websites, especially hate messages about their extinction.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: Please substitute the word Bodo for Dodo in previous tweet. They are far from extinct.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: We wish to clarify that the government of India is not also known as Dodoland.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: The guy who made the mistake about Bodoland has been transferred to Kokrajhar. 

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: All references to ethnic clashes are banned. Please remove mention of recent clashes between Pokomo and Orma tribes in Kenya.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: Also remove all mention of fighting between Hutu and Tutsi in eastern Congo, which might inflame similar passions in India.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: We hope you find these pro-active measures taken to ensure the safety of our citizens reassuring.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: We have since found out that imf.org is the website, not of the International Muslim Federation, but of the International Monetary Fund. We have unblocked it.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: We regret to inform you that IMF has slashed India’s growth forecasts.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: All references to the derogatory word ‘chink’ have been banned. Phrases such as ‘chink in the armour’ and ‘chink of daylight’ may not be used.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: It has come to our notice the word pseudo is often used in an insulting way, such as pseudo-secular, pseudo-nationalist, pseudo-socialist etc. 

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: Therefore, words starting with pseudo such as the words in the previous tweet and also pseudonym, pseudopodia etc are forbidden.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: The word coalgate contains the word coal, which is inflammatory and can cause fires that can spread. It too is banned.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: The state of Moneypur in the North-east is very rich. We believe it is populated by stockbrokers, speculators, financiers, investment bankers etc.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: The Cookie tribe in the North-east has had a troubled history. They are the target of hate sites which want to bake Cookies and eat them.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: Moneypur these days is spelt Manipur to look cool. Cookies call themselves Kukis for the same reason.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: To all refugees: PeeEm too was a refugee from Pakistan. Later he migrated to Assam so that he could join Parliament in Delhi. It’s complicated but remember— you are not alone.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: As a positive measure, we are doing a film on Assam, with Salman as a Kashmiri disguised as a Bangladeshi immigrant while Katrina is a Vokkaliga disguised as a Bodo.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: The film is called “EkthaKaziranga Rhinoceros”. After brief flings— Salman with Eskimo, Katrina with Hottentot— the lovers live together in communal harmony.

PeeEmOw@GeeOwAi: This is grossly unfair. They’re shutting me down by mistake instead of the fake PMO handles.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint

(Views expressed by the author are personal)