When I first moved to Mumbai, I grew up on Napean Sea Road. Don’t judge me, I’m not rich. It just happens that my parents were working for the government, and I could live in town and pretend that I belonged; even though I knew that my soul was from Boisar.
Which is why I thought I’d list a few reasons you may want to step out of town. The countdown:
10) There is a magical land called Chakala. It is a dark corridor of false wizardry, and many a car has got stuck in traffic and never returned. In 1927, General Phillip Fartbump, of his Royal Majesty’s British Army, lost his Maruti Suzuki 200 in the region. It was never seen again.
9) You don’t need to go to Amrika to see LA. It’s here at Lokhandwala, Andheri. The struggling actors in this region worship Priyanka Chopra, who has been a resident of both LAs. And, SRK, who has been detained in both.
Also read: ‘My baby is my muse’ - Sorabh Pant
8) Kharghar has a place called Hotel Three Star, which, surprisingly, is a three-star hotel. It bodes well for the hotel’s ambition that it doesn’t aim to rise higher than its name.
7) RK Studios has been the only memorable landmark in Chembur — barring Armaan Kohli with his Jaani Dushman eyes — since 1948.
6) Before you comment on how inferior Burbies (people from the suburbs, not dyslexic Barbies) are, remember this: people in Vashi rent out a 4BHK with a garden for Rs 20K. For that amount, in Worli, you’d get a 0BHK with toilet (mind you, toilet, not bathroom).
5) You don’t need to be a townie to live in Cuffe Parade. Head to Wadala for a new Cuffe Parade. Or, Vashi for its own Marine Drive. For 1/4th the cost. But, there is only one Grant Road — because, nobody wants it.
4) Borivli’s Sanjay Gandhi National Park is a joyous place where the most glorious animals are couples making out behind bushes. You can see them mating in positions that resemble wolves feasting, crocodiles floating, and even deer being shot by Not Salman.
3) Kandivli — pronounced Candy Valley, or Land of Diabetics, has more townships than anything resembling a town.
2) Bandra used to be the capital of Portugal, and now houses every hipster in India. You can only get a Leave and License Agreement here AFTER getting your ears pierced or get a tattoo from Al’s. BasedOnATrueStory. PS: I live in Bandra.
1) Dahisar translates to ‘curd’ and ‘head’, because travelling to it can turn your sar into dahi.
Of course, I would never make fun of those places. Even though I just did. People in these parts pay less money for better lives and have more clubs to party at than an army of cavemen.
Sorabh Pant is a comedian and the founder of East India Comedy. He’s also the author of the novel, Under Delhi. He tweets as @hankypanty
LAUGH OUT LOUD: Sorabh’s show, My Baby Thinks I’m Funny, takes place on August 26, 8pm.
Where: At The Fine Arts Society, RC Marg, Chembur; Tickets: Rs 500 on bookmyshow.com