When Aamir Khan threatened to leave India in search of a better life we couldn’t help but agree. But while his beef was with the growing intolerance in our country, which, incidentally isn’t up for debate you clueless twerps, our anger is directed not at the ever-smiling politicians but at Aamir’s own industry: Bollywood.
We’ve been subjected to decade after decade of puerile trash in the name of movies and mindless nonsense in the name of family entertainment. Bollywood has been shamelessly torturing us with one eight-pack-abbed starkid after another, refusing to take a hint and give up already (we’re looking at you Mimoh Chakraborty. Or Mahaakshay Chabraborty; whatever the hell you’re calling yourself these days, we don’t know).
Right now we’re really wishing someone had noticed our talents and given us some awards to return. Ah well, we’ll just have to make do with mocking Bollywood instead. Here are 10 things that really test our patriotism and desperately make us want to pack our bags and hightail it to Albania or something.
Keep calling it a cult classic. But if there is one ‘movie’ in the world that has the power to make you noticeably stupider it’s this.
The combined force of Govinda and Mithun da is forceful
Yes. There was a time when these dudes were leading men. But hey, not everyone can do what they do. Can you hide behind a cycle in a gunfight? That’s right, you can’t.
Every second spent in the 1980s
If the downward spiral of Bollywood/the villainy of Sajid Khan were to have an origin story, this decade would be it. It was notorious for being the worst time for Hindi movies, and they laughed their way to the bank.
Every second spent in the 1990s
Yeah yeah we know Kya Kehna came out in 2000. But nothing represents the ‘90s more accurately than Chandrachur Singh spanking Preity Zinta. But what did she expect? Come to think of it, there can’t be a more perfect punishment for pre-marital sex than getting spanked in a park by Chandrachur Singh. Good job, movie.
Every second spent in the 2000s, because, why not.
Every empowered woman should whimper at the knees of the man she loves. #ThingsBollywoodTaughtUs
The stains of Rohit Shetty
Car fetishism is a thing. Ask Rohit Shetty. Just don’t ask him when he’s sitting in one. Unless you’re in the mood for a shower or something.
The stench of Sajid Khan
Woof woof. Woof woof woof. Woof, woof woof. Fart. Sajid Khan gets it.
Every starkid ever
For every Sanjay Dutt and Sunny Deol there is a Sikandar Kher and Sooraj Pancholi.
The rise of Sunny Leone
Now, everyone can watch porn in a communal atmosphere. That’s exactly what we all wanted!
We wish Bhai all the success in the world. May you host Bigg Boss forever and always stay out of jail. Please don’t shoot us/run us over.