Last week, I watched the spanking new trailer of Fifty Shades of Grey in the office – oh so Not Safe For Work and yet so part of keeping up with what's happening.
And then I saw Mr Grey... it's so over between us now.
While the whole world – from bored housewives to precocious teens – was lapping up EL James’ bestselling Fifty Shades trilogy, we were cringing at the atrociously written novel (take lessons from Literotica, James!).
But there was something hot there, we grudgingly admitted. Anastasia Steele, the innocent virgin and Christian Grey, rich, powerful and so very dark. She'd never even been attracted to anybody before and he was a Dominant incapable of love. They begin to have kinky sex – a very watered down PG-13 version of it – every few pages of the novel. And they fall in love. ‘Oh my...’
Literary snobbery aside, we couldn’t wait for the film adaptation. Mostly because Mr Grey is the stuff that perfect sexual fantasies are made of. Until of course they decided to give us Jamie Dornan, thereby turning Grey into a total dork forever.
All you can do now is to close your eyes and imagine it's one of these guys instead. (Oh! The things a girl has to do for love!)
1. Michael Fassbender:
Because his sex scene with Penelope Cruz in The Counsellor was so hot. And he's proved himself by doing the sex addict thing in Shame. Who can top this man at playing a Dom Sadist? Plus, there is something deliciously cruel about him.
2. Matt Bomer:
Because although words cannot do justice to this man, film can and does! By not making him Grey, the filmmakers broke hundreds of thousands of hearts (89,391 fans had even petitioned for him to star in the film). He looks like he belongs in that Red Room of Pain.
3. Chris Evans:
We of course would have never even considered Captain America until we saw some shirtless shots of him.
4. Henry Cavill: Superman with super looks. A true man of steel. And boy, can he fly!
5. Ryan Gosling: Naturally, our first choice. Turns out, he didn’t want to do the role. But can you imagine him saying, "Laters, baby"?
From HT Brunch, August 3
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