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Creamier Conspiracy

Do you slather on your 'beauty cream' the moment you wake up in the morning? The Fake Jhunjhunwala has a few words of advice for you if you do.

brunch Updated: Apr 27, 2011 14:25 IST
Fake Jhunjhunwala

"Hi! I'm a skinny b***h. My life used to suck real bad and even though I looked perfectly fine I felt I needed to look even better. In fact I was such a hideous monster that my reflection caused mirrors to crack because the light from my ugliness filled face was so hard that you could pulverize diamonds with it.

The surface of my facial epidermis was so corrosive that it would give concentrated sulphuric acid an inferiority complex. My skin was so rough that it would make the volcano-filled surface of Venus seem like the smooth silky texture of condensed vanilla ice-cream.

I was really sad. No man looked at me. Even horny Buffaloes ignored me. I was dejected.

Then one day my friend took me to a skin specialist who has Degrees from University Of Paris (France), College Of Beauty (Brazil), School Of Sexy Face-Making (Italy) and Etc Etc.

She put my face under a hi-tech machine which revealed that not only was I ugly but also a super-mega-ginormous- crappy Sow!!! The machine revealed a layer of BROWN SPOTS which took my ugliness to a whole new never before seen level of epic ugliness.

Upon magnification those brown spots were revealed to be an entire Alien civilization of microscopic spores that had migrated from Planet Wulinghartus NMX- 78 upon a spaceship and settled under my oily skin which provided them much needed protection and nourishment.

Soon they bred furiously sapping my skin juice, aggressively multiplying into humungous multitudes which slowly, surely and thoroughly destroyed my face till it had mutated into an unrecognisably decayed ridiculous puddle of infectious alkaline mass.

It was at this time that that the Doctor told me to use CREAM X from COMPANY Z with new Super Awesome Fantastic Ingredient Metavitaminproteincarboenergy Mountain Fruit Water Cone Oil Of Penguin Flippers With Extra Aloe Vera Seed Powder.

As soon as I applied this magic cream, the Alien skin civilization was eradicated. Those bastard spores were all mercilessly destroyed by my new beautifying cream which removed all their brown carcasses and rehydrated my skin and made all my skin troubles disappear in a flash!

I am now extremely pretty. All the boys like me. I even got married and thanks to this cream I can also produce babies dime a dozen. Thanks so much Magic Cream. You made my face beautiful again. You Rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Fake Jhunjhunwala is the parody writer of the popular blog 'The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala'. He likes counting money. He is a big fan of Samosas, Ice Cream, Pav Bhaji, Pizza, Garlic Bread and Beer.

His hobbies include playing Super Mario, Stalking Hot Babes and Watching B-Grade films to intensively investigate any censor board violations. He also watches Cricket and worships Sachin Tendulkar as much as he worships himself. Read more from him at

He can also be found on twitter usually ranting about Uday Chopra, The Universe and everything in between at