Just after Facebook had the bright idea of auto playing videos and just before I figured out how to turn off the feature, I found myself watching video after video which popped up on my feed.
I was always that person who never, ever hit the play button on any video anywhere on the social media, so this video-tsunami hit me hard. And left me gawking. Presenting, in no particular order, a list of amazing but amazingly useless things I learnt from the absolute glut of Facebook videos people keep sharing.
1. I have learnt at least 1,757 different hair styles, none of which work on my bushy, frizzy hair. And while the videos give off this super chill easy-breezy-5-minute vibe, you need about a few hundred hair pins, industrial-strength mousse and - most important - ombre hair to make them work.
2. After watching the clutch-your-heart-level scary and scarring CCTV footage of road accidents and robberies-in-progress, crossing the road or going to the ATM turns me into a nervous Nellie. STOP. SHARING.
3. While I am convinced I have put on 2.5kg just by looking at all those recipe videos, I’m going to look past it and thank Facebook for introducing me to my new favourite way to kill time: watching videos of tiny food being cooked in tiny kitchens. Yes, miniature food is a thing and it originated in Japan (where else?) and it’s completely useless but who doesn’t want to spend hours looking at tiny pancakes or mini shrimp or teensy-weensy cheeseburgers?
Watch | Miniature food: Let’s make a mini food lunch box!
4. Thanks to all the cheery tutorials, there is an exhaustive list of all the 5-minute crafts I can now DIY (strictly in theory): golden spray-painted pencil stands, Hello Kitty planters, ugly lamps, uncool hand-made macramé jewellery, whimsical mugs coloured with nail paint and hanging trays on walls and forcing them to pretend to be shelves.
5. Ways to exercise in office - all of which are guaranteed to make your colleagues think you are a) trying to get rid of an insect in your pants or b) having a seizure or c) a serial killer with nervous tics.
6. 10 ways to wear scarves as tops. Also known as Wardrobe Malfunction 101.
7. Things I can only aspire to, but never do: make elaborate latte art, carve sculptures on pencil tips, throw paint haphazardly on a canvas and magically transform it into a painting
8. The best ways to pose for a photograph. Chin slightly up but not too up. Angling your body but not too sideways. Smiling but not too smiling. This is why I will never win America’s Top Model.
Bonus: Have also learnt this super useful trick to strike terror into the hearts of cats: sneakily put a cucumber behind them and watch them fly in fear. If you ever want to prank your kitty, you know who to call.
From HT Brunch, July 17, 2016
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