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Finding a Flat in Mumbai #Howtoedition

All that you have heard about flat hunting in Mumbai is far from the truth, hear the real story from Gursimran Khamba. Here are his tips for young people searching for places to rent in Mumbai.

brunch Updated: Jun 06, 2011 11:23 IST
Gursimran Khamba

Like most North Indians worth their butter chicken, I recently decided to move to Mumbai in search of greener pastures. (Or as they say in Uttar Pradesh, a taxi and an ass kicking) And while my reasons were academic, I did have to go through that thing Emraan Hashmi hates the most - finding an apartment to live in. Here are my tips for young people searching for places to rent in Mumbai.



If you log in to real estate websites searching for apartments to rent and click on any location beyond Bandra - websites prompt you with a "Are you fucking serious"? This is because the "real" Bombay extends only till Bandra and acknowledging living beyond there severely impacts your ability to pick up chicks no matter how nice your area is. Thus, and never use this in the context of India, stay as down south as you possibly can.



Mumbai flatsNever believe societies that advertise themselves as "cosmopolitan". This is merely a feel good term its members use; the way fathers who allow their daughters to go out with friends till 6 P.M. while calling them every 30 minutes to check what they're doing call themselves modern and liberal. Also, "ventilation" is an actual feature. Pay that 3000 per month extra to get it.



If you're a bachelor hoping to rent a place with a female flat mate, you might as well be a leper. This is because the concept of men and women being friends without fucking being involved is not something landlords and brokers are familiar with. Even if you invite a friend, classmate, colleague from work - ANY woman as long as she's not your sister - to stay over at night because it would automatically mean you are sexual partners with nothing else to do in life except engage in immoral acts of fornication which your neighbours will then complain about and throw you out.



And finally, stay as close to stations, or on as high a floor as possible. This will help when like everyone else you're sick of the city and want to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train or off your roof.



Gursimran Khamba is a pissed off writer, stand up comic, podcaster, social media junkie and lover of all fried foods. Except bananas. Follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/gkhamba



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