I spent a significant portion of my afternoon yesterday listening to (Dr.) Vijay Mallya talking to the media about his Kingfisher Airlines. I wasn't looking to invest in the Airline but watching a declaration of intent from a company's Chairman during market hours always makes for interesting stock behavior. While Dr. Mallya did throw around a few casual ideas on saving the airline I wasn't exactly excited to hear them.
Frankly, the best method to save Kingfisher Airlines is to pick the ways below:
1.] Offer airline ticket holders the opportunity to punch Siddharth Mallya in the face - Kingfisher will never run out of money ever again because people will simply line up to punch Siddharth Mallya. Every flyer gets to punch Siddharth Mallya in the face really, really hard. Based on the type of ticket the flyer holds (economy, first class, etc) you get to use additional amenities like Boxing Gloves, Mixed Martial Arts Padded Gloves or Classic Bare Knuckle Fists!
2.] Reduce the skirt length of Kingfisher Airline Air Hostesses by 2 inches on loss making routes. The media would then describe this as a case of Kingfisher 'Skirting the Issue'. Also offer complimentary Kingfisher Swimsuit Calendars to all flyers above the age of eighteen. The men will love them and the women will use the calendar sheets to wrap bed sheets and other such items to protect them from Cockroaches.
3.] FREE BEER!! Since Kingfisher Airlines is anyway linked to Kingfisher Beer, get everyone drunk and since beer is in house the airline saves money on the cost of procurement.
In fact Kingfisher can take it a step further by saving massive money on airline fuel and operating costs by simply getting the flyers drunk from the moment they enter the plane. That way after a few drinks everyone is drunk and all that needs to be done is for someone to just start the engine and not actually fly the plane. The drunk will be too drunk to realize that the plane is not actually in the air. After sometime just tell the drunk passengers that they have arrived at the destination and make them exit the plane. They'd be so inebriated that they'd believe they have already flown to their destination!
4.] Offer haircuts to those who fly Kingfisher. A mile high, flying hair styling salon which can be called Kingfisher Hairlines.
5.] Launch a frequent flyer program where the highest earners get to chase down and run over irritating characters like Justin Bieber, Uday Chopra, Rakhi Sawant, etc in one of those ultra fast Force India F1 Cars.
(The views expressed by the author are personal)
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