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How Osama Was Really Killed

No, he wasn't really shot down in by US military forces like we all thought he was. Dolly Bindra and Uday Chopra, among others, had a hand in his death too. Only The Fake Jhunjhunwala knows the real story.

brunch Updated: May 05, 2011 12:31 IST
Fake Jhunjhunwala

The death of Mr. Bin Laden is a mystery to most of the world. I, on the other hand, am the most important person on the planet. Hence I am in the constant know of things, I know how Osama was killed and I shall deconstruct the shocking, gruesome and horrendous murder of the man who commissioned the bombing of the 9/11 towers.

When the Americans stormed in, they captured Bin Laden and initiated a barbaric ritual of the most violent and sadistic kind. Osama was first made to watch a DVD of Pyaar Impossible starring Uday Chopra but this was no normal DVD, it was the special version with audio commentary by Yash Chopra and a special 'Making Of' feature. Unable to process the cinematic brilliance of Uday Chopra, each individual neuron in Laden's head popped into a million pieces.

1) Osama was then made to listen to a recorded tape of Navjot Singh Sidhu's idioms narrated by Sidhu himself over a background score composed by Pritam played in a loop an infinite amount of times.

2.) After this Osama was made to experience a lap dance from Dolly Bindra - nuff said.

3.) A gallon of 'brrr' inducing Coca Cola was poured into Osama's throat which led him to shake violently and experience a massive case of epileptic fits.

4.) Laden was dressed up like a woman and left into the arms of a waiting Emraan Hashmi who had been told by the Americans that the woman in question was well 'laden'.

5.) An extremely crappy phone was given to Osama on which he was forced to read and reply to each of the million SMS's from the trendiest banks in India all asking the same question - "Do you want a new Credit Card?"

6.) Made to eat one ton of MDH and Everest Garam Masala and decide at the end of it all which of them is spicier.

Unable to bear the torture any longer Laden seized a gun from a Soldier and shot himself.

The Fake Jhunjhunwala is the parody writer of the popular blog 'The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala'. He likes counting money. He is a big fan of Samosas, Ice Cream, Pav Bhaji, Pizza, Garlic Bread and Beer.

His hobbies include playing Super Mario, Stalking Hot Babes and Watching B-Grade films to intensively investigate any censor board violations. He also watches Cricket and worships Sachin Tendulkar as much as he worships himself. Read more from him at http://www.rakeshjhunjhunwala.in/

He can also be found on twitter usually ranting about Uday Chopra, The Universe and everything in between at http://twitter.com/Jhunjhunwala