How to be Shah Rukh Khan

  • Shaoli Rudra, Hindustan Times
  • Updated: Dec 06, 2014 16:03 IST

You know what happened last month? @iamsrk’s twitter followers shot up to 10 million. Ab, iss maheene, Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge will play for the 1,000th week at Mumbai’s Maratha Mandir.

So it got us thinking, aisa hai, sabko Shah Rukh Khan banna chahiye, so here’s a little do-it-yourself advice to get you started. With gyaan like this, you’ll be your ilaake ka King Khan in no time. So what are you waiting for?

How to woo her folks
Never bhagao their beti – not until her bauji tells her to go jeeo her zindagi! You must actively prevent any such ideas of rebellion, kyunki dilwale dulhaniya anyway le jayenge. The moment it is all public, mummys, papas, Sheela buas, Ramu kakas, Tommys and anyone else who resides in your lady love’s house will be unable to resist your charm. Extra sasural brownie points if you can feed kabootars.

How to dance
Pick a great pose/movement/hand gesture and convert it into the single greatest dance step of all time! It’s that simple. Raise your hands dramatically. Pyramid ke saamne, Sarson ke khetton mein, Swizzerland ke pahadon par, New York ke bridge par… this step will look fabulous anywhere and all the girls will palat ke dekho. Just remember, when raising your arms in slow-mo, think Shah Rukh. Not scarecrow.

How to dress
Here’s what you need:
*One skin-tight body-hugging Polo Sport tee. Everyone must be able to see your family pack.
* A cool pendant. Mind you, get a pendant that says C-O-O-L and not K-E-W-L. With little things like these, SRK keeps it classy.
* Cowbells. The ladies love them.

How to get a bff
Because pyaar dosti hai.
Step 1: Find a potential best friend of the opposite sex.
Step 2: Lead her on by telling him or her that, “pyaar dosti hai”.
Step 3: Flaunt love for somebody else.
Step 4: Years later, insist former BFF still loves you despite you not being around for like, FOREVER!
At some point between all these steps: Buy friendship bands in many colours.

How to suck at sport, but win hearts
Kabhi kabhi kuch jeetne ke liye kuch haarna bhi padta hai. And that’s why when you play a game, you don’t necessarily have to be good at it. Sports mein haaro taaki aap dil jeet sako. Just see Shah Rukh. Basketball, hockey, wrestling… Play with the right attitude and you will be a winner. Kyunki haar ke jeetne waale ko Baazigar kehte hain.

How to take revenge
Psycho killer bumping off daughter of enemy to take badla for baap ka khoon and maa ki barbaadi? Or maybe you would prefer being a super stalker who murders your object of affection’s spouse? Is killing your humshakal and taking his place to play, er, yourself, your style? Or is stammering and butchering a perfectly lovely name more your kind of revenge.

So many Shah Rukh modes of badla. So little time. We wouldn’t even know where to begin.

How to be a successful reincarnation
Want to come back again and again? Listen carefully. If you get a shot at punar janam, grab it with both hands and don’t let go. So go avenge your premika, find that long lost brother, dance in a Kali temple and, by God, be the best Karan-Arjun you can be!

From HT Brunch, December 7
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