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Lessons for terrorists operating in Pakistan

Osama Bin Laden's Call of Duty inspired death in Abottabad has led to the ground rules for terrorists operating out of Pakistan being changed dramatically. Gursimran Khamba gives some tips that can help them cope better with today's dangerous reality.

brunch Updated: May 09, 2011 13:23 IST
Gursimran Khamba

Osama Bin Laden's Call of Duty inspired death in Abottabad has led to the ground rules for terrorists operating out of Pakistan being changed dramatically. Here are some tips that can help them cope better with today's dangerous reality.

Get out as soon as you can: Why be just another heavily bearded Kalashnikov carrier and risk being bombed by drones when you can join groups such as ETA in Spain and travel freely across the EU instead of living in a cave? You get all the terrorist bragging rights without having to fire a shot for five years and chill out while the police are busy with their afternoon siesta. Or why not Chechnya where the weather is nicer and the opponent's technology crappier?

Never trust what "Pakistani intelligence" tells you: You will have realised after OBL's death that the term "Pakistani intelligence" is an oxymoron. Unlike the Indian government's claims, Pakistan is infact an unsafe haven for terrorists and their radars are only effective at tracking goats that accidentally cross into Afghanistan. Even products in India are ISI marked - which is why we don't trust them, especially exploding cylinders.

Engage in development work like the Jamaat Ud Dawa: When you engage in development work, every murder, crime against humanity or general law you break will be brushed aside by legions of your supporters and their subsequent media campaigns. If you want successful examples, just look at any politician or god man in India.

Avoid hard disks and pen drives: Physical disk drives can compromise your future plans and fellow members incase you get killed: The future - as Steve Jobs said - is in cloud computing. Use Dropbox so that every member of your organization can access data easily - especially training manuals and motivational speeches that are juxtapositioned with white people and kafirs getting killed. And make sure you delete your sex tapes.

Hire a better architect: Because when you're trying to hide and not raise suspicions amongst people about what's going on inside, you DO NOT BUILD A BLOODY 7-FOOT PRIVACY WALL ON A THIRD FLOOR BALCONY! Also, hire an interior designer who installs Minority Report-style touch screens, an Xbox, boxes of Pizza Hut and 5.1 surround system in your room so that international anchors don't keep calling it dingy and isolated despite it being normal by Pakistani standards.

Gursimran Khamba is a pissed off writer, stand up comic, podcaster, social media junkie and lover of all fried foods. Except bananas. Follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/gkhamba