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'Marriage' for (male) dummies

Not the R-word again! But wait, it's not us but Pagal Patrakar who has some wedding advice for men!

brunch Updated: May 19, 2011 15:20 IST
Rahul Roushan

The wedding of Prince Williams and Kate Middleton was briefly in news before the death and sea-funeral of Osama overshadowed everything. I don't want to talk about the Royal Wedding now as I'm sure readers even in the UK won't be interested, but 'wedding' in itself is never an outdated topic in India.

Although the topic is generally considered to be a 'girly' thing, I think boys, rather young men, should take some interest in this. Am saying this because recently a lot of my friends got married and after candid conversations with one or two, I realized that perhaps men should also devote some time thinking and talking marriage - but not clothes and food.

Anyway, here are a few pointers for those interested, and it applies to marriage as well as getting in a live-in or a "close" relationship:

And to get men started, let's start with sex.

It'd be better if you reformat or reboot your hard-drive having the porn collection both on your computer as well as on your mind. This is not because watching porn is any 'sin', but because sex is not about buffering, acronyms, and secret-cameras. Surely not in a relationship.

Also, un-remember any statistics (like average length of any sexual activity or average length of any sexual organ) that might have fascinated you till now. You have to rediscover everything or you are in for a big disappointment both for yourself as well as your partner. There would be a learning curve is all that I can say and not get into details, as this article might not pass the test for general readership in that case.

Be mentally prepared to find out many new things about yourself, like a friend of mine discovered that he snored while sleeping. He had his own room while growing up and studied at institutions where he didn't need to share any room with another guy. He had fair share of night-outs with friends that included sleeping over at friend's places, but everyone was too drunk to take notice of each other even while awake.

But your wife will take good notice of you and might break you the news that you indeed snore or babble a bit randomly while sleeping. Take it in your stride and don't dispute her claims; she has no intentions to push any TRPs.

Your freedom and control over things would indeed be diminished to a considerable extent, like a friend's control over alarm clock in the morning went completely missing after marriage. He used to shut-the-eff-up the beeping alarm to sleep for five minutes more in the morning, and those five minutes in sleep used to turn out at least half-an-hour in real life in complete contradiction to what they showed in Inception. Now he pleads with his wife for allowing him those extra five minutes and only on the most fortunate days he can get 4 minutes and 55 seconds.

Rest later. Girlfriend calling on my phone again. Bye.

(Rahul Roushan aka Pagal Patrakar is the editor of the leading Indian news satire website Faking News . You can connect with him on Twitter and on Facebook )