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Saif ka Punch-Nama

The Fake Jhunjhunwala decodes the real conspiracy behind Saif Ali Khan's punchgate.

brunch Updated: Feb 29, 2012 15:55 IST
The Fake Jhunjhunwala

A few days ago Saif Ali Khan punched a South African man of Indian origin. I sense a grand conspiracy because it is in my nature to sense conspiracies. I am a CONSPIRACY SENSER. I have a double Ph.D in sensing conspiracies; it's an academic science available for study only at the Telebrands Institute Of Conspiracy Sensing (Affiliated To Lasith Malinga Education Centre For Higher Studies, Colombo, Sri Lanka).

Before I am accused of sensing a conspiracy when there is none I would like to tell you people that this time I am not alone; a lot of people sense the conspiracy in Saif Ali Khan's 'Punchgate'. The popular theory is that Saif initiated violence with his fist upon this poor South African's nose with the intention of drawing attention to his next release Agent Vinod.

While this is a popular view it is not necessarily right which is why my superior intellect needs to explain the real reason for Saif's punch-nama.

It goes something like this --> Later this year India will compete like pretty much every other country in the London Olympics. The last time, in Beijing our country of a billion tried really hard and landed medals in Shooting, Wrestling and Boxing. This time our hopes look good in shooting with Ronjan Sodhi,Gagan Narang and Abhinav Bindra himself.

But will our boxers and wrestlers medal?
This is where Saif Ali Khan comes in. Years of punching and wrestling people in his films has given the man the experience needed to compete in these dishoom- dishoom sports at the highest level.

The Indian Olympic Association reeling under a plethora of misfortune ever since the adventures of its Chief Shri Suresh Kalmadi needed a new medal prospect but not just any ordinary athlete but a new popular, dashing hero of the masses with a size zero girlfriend. One who'd not only win medals but would also double up as a new poster boy for the IOA and make the people forget all about the negative bulls**t that Kalmadi and Lalit Bhanot uncle have created.

So the IOA decided to test Bollywood heroes because as said earlier Bollywood dudes are prone to punching and wrestling in their films. They sent in an operative to the posh restaurants and hangouts of Bollywood actors. In this case the operative was the South African and the restaurant was the Taj's 'Wasabi'. The South African had been told to get into a fight with all Bollywood heroes, provoke them into punching and wrestling him. Meanwhile another IOA operative watched from the sidelines to evaluate each actor's punching and wrestling ability basically to see if the prospect could indeed become an Olympic athlete.

Lo and behold, Saif happened to be in the Taj that day when the South African goaded him into a fight. Saif punched the guy, broke his nose and wrestled him to the ground. The next Indian Olympian had been found.

CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY! IT'S A DAMN CONSPIRACY!!

The Fake Jhunjhunwala is the parody writer of the popular blog 'The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala'. He likes counting money. He is a big fan of Samosas, Ice Cream, Pav Bhaji, Pizza, Garlic Bread and Beer.

His hobbies include playing Super Mario, Stalking Hot Babes and Watching B-Grade films to intensively investigate any censor board violations. He also watches Cricket and worships Sachin Tendulkar as much as he worships himself. Read more from him at http://www.rakeshjhunjhunwala.in/

He can also be found on twitter usually ranting about Uday Chopra, The Universe and everything in between at http://twitter.com/Jhunjhunwala


(The views expressed by the author are personal)

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