You thought it was cool to set off your neighbour's car alarm off or brag about the number of fire-crackers you lit in one go? Breaking news! It's NOT. We bring you a list of ten things only doucebags do in Diwali.
1. Burn that “snake” thingy, which makes no sense, only a lot of smoke. And we inhale enough of that anyway from the exhaust pipes of that ‘Jat Boy Rulezz’ car ahead of us on the roads on a daily basis.
2. Brag about the number of fire-crackers you lit at one go. “Abbe, das hazaar ki ladi jalai thi!” Good for you. You just saw a large portion of your mummy/papa’s bonus go up in smoke. Then again, maybe you didn’t because of the crazed delight on your face at the “hazaar ki ladi” Sorry. “Das hazaar ki ladi.”
3. Talk about your in-laws at work. “They were an hour late for puja.” You were late for work. Call it even and finish the work that you’ve ignored for the whole month using the Diwali card.
4. Tell your host you’re watching your weight and you can’t eat flour/fat/gluten/sugar/oil/unicorn hair. Suck it up and be a good guest.
5. Post photos holding phuljari/diyas or around rangolis/fairy lights, on social media. With pathetically low light in all frames, no one will recognise you anyway. You could be ET holding that phuljari/diya and no one will notice (or care, perhaps).
6. Fall for the photo (shared every single year on social media) that looks like a super-pretty Disney-fied aerial-view of India on Diwali. It’s FAKE.
7. Buy a new phone/car just because it’s Diwali.
8. Set your neighbour’s car alarm off because “Diwali=Noise=Awesum”.
9. Assume that a Diwali spent alone is no fun at all.
10. Say “I’m ideologically opposed to gambling”.
From HT Brunch, October 19
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