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The Idiots subtext guide to understanding India's Cricket

The perils of the Indian Cricket Team in Australia remind one of a Shoal of Fish rhythmically being ripped apart by a very hungry 800 Pound Great White Shark. Why? The Fake Jhunjhunwala explains...

brunch Updated: Jan 23, 2012 16:53 IST
Fake Jhunjhunwala

The perils of the Indian Cricket Team in Australia remind me of a Shoal of Fish rhythmically being ripped apart by a very hungry 800 Pound Great White Shark. I have seen this on the Discovery Channel and since the introduction of HD, I have seen this butchery in HD as well and let me tell you that high definition butchery is way worse than standard definition butchery be it the fish or the cricket team. By the way this post is not about HD, SD, 3D or even D section, Second Standard of Lokmanush Bhaskar Primary School located in Colaba.



This post is about what people are saying and what they are really saying when it comes to dealing with the 4-0 mauling in England and the thus far 3-0 thrashing in Australia. What we have is a

STANDARD RESPONSE

to the loss but only if you read the underlying

SUBTEXT

do you get the real picture. For example:



Team Member Response:

"The team is disappointed. Australia played better than us. We did not deal with the conditions well"

Subtext Meaning:

"Uh Oh! 4-0 hammering in England and now 3-0 in Australia with 1 more match to go!!!We guys better not return to India. People will assault us with chappals at the airport itself. I wonder what the process for seeking asylum in a foreign country entails"

BCCI response:

"We will have to make serious changes to the team after a thorough examination into the reasons for our loss"

Subtext Meaning:

"Look we really don't give a shit about Test Cricket. IPL is the bestest!!! So just to show people we are doing something we will maybe Change the Coach, Change the Captain, Change the Players, Change the Support Staff. We will change everything and everyone except ourselves because IPL is the most important and we are at the end of the day the greatest people in the world and we know everything about cricket .YAY! "

Commentators' response:

"Dhoni should have done this. Dhoni should have done that"

Subtext meaning:

"This is a pretty easy gig! We only have to praise Dhoni when he does well and criticize him when he does badly. This makes us richer and it couldn't be easier!!!!!! Of course it doesn't matter that we are not actually on the pitch making decisions in real time. Afterall many of us play HINDSIGHT better than how we once played Cricket!!!!"

Sports Media response:

"Sachin has yet again missed out on his 100th hundred"

Subtext meaning:

"Awesome! The longer it takes for Sachin to get his 100th hundred be it in England or Australia the longer we keep stretching this story as BREAKING NEWS every Test Match!

Cricket Fan response:

"REVENGE! We want Revenge against the English and the Aussies"
Subtext Meaning: "REVENGE! We want Revenge against the English and the Aussies"



The Fake Jhunjhunwala is the parody writer of the popular blog 'The Secret Journal Of Rakesh Jhunjhunwala'. He likes counting money. He is a big fan of Samosas, Ice Cream, Pav Bhaji, Pizza, Garlic Bread and Beer.

His hobbies include playing Super Mario, Stalking Hot Babes and Watching B-Grade films to intensively investigate any censor board violations. He also watches Cricket and worships Sachin Tendulkar as much as he worships himself. Read more from him at http://www.rakeshjhunjhunwala.in/

He can also be found on twitter usually ranting about Uday Chopra, The Universe and everything in between at http://twitter.com/Jhunjhunwala


(The views expressed by the author are personal)

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