"For women, love is all about longevity. But for men, it’s just about opportunity," says a very straight-faced Abish Mathew, stand-up comic.
His four stand-up friends, Sorabh Pant, Atul Khatri, Kunal Rao and Aditi Mittal smirk behind him.
The five comics love to talk about love at their gigs. But it’s almost never about the sugar-coated version.
"Considering couples are breaking up because one partner didn’t poke the other on Facebook, where is the love?" asks Pant, laughing. "It’s better to laugh than sulk about how much we suck at relationships now."
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, we thought it would be fun to see what the funny people really have to say about love.
Look around you, there’s mush everywhere. What are your plans for Valentine’s Day?
Aditi Mittal: I’ll either spend it with myself or drinking champagne with these four guys.
Atul Khatri: I will stay up all night waiting for my daughters to get back home.
Sorabh Pant: My wedding anniversary is on February 12. There’s only so much love I can take.
Kunal Rao: We’re all dressed in black right now. I think that says it all.
Abish Mathew: What are you doing?
So you guys don’t believe in love at all?
Mittal: I want to believe in it. But honestly, if it lasts more than a year after the lust runs out and your loins have stopped tingling, then it must be true love.
Mathew: I perennially belong in every woman’s friend zone.
Khatri: I've been married for 22 years. I have to believe in love.
Men and women think differently about love. What’s the difference?
Rao: I genuinely believe that for men, love is a one-time thing. They fall in love once and with one thing. Women, on the other hand, love everything. They love a pretty dress, a cat, a curtain or a man. It’s all the same.
Mittal: I think men confuse lust with love. But it’s not their fault, they have two heads. And one of it works faster than the other.
Mathew: For women love is the whole package of being chased, wooed and being swept off their feet. Men fall… in love or in lust.
How is love different for married ones and the single ones?
Pant: When you’re married, you have to reinvent yourself, otherwise your partner will get bored. For instance, I lost a lot of weight for my very hot wife. And she was pleased. But then, I put it back on. And she was not so pleased. Then I lost it again. So in matter of four months, I was nine different guys.
Mittal: For singles, it’s all so confusing. Every new guy you meet wants something different. One guy likes long hair, so you feverishly oil your hair to grow it. Then, the next one adores a pixie, so you chop it. But another wants it curly, so you perm whatever is left...
Khatri: I think after being married for a long time, you’re almost like brother and sister.
Everyone: What the f*** man!
Our folks did a pretty decent job at sticking with each other. What’s wrong with us?
Pant: I think people just knew how to stick it out – through tricky situations and rocky moments. Now, people are expendable.
Rao: He’s right. Imagine if your grandpa wanted to have an affair with a Spanish woman, it would take him six months just to get visa. Now, you just meet people on Facebook and two days later, you could be in bed with them.
Mathew: If you want your marriage to last then think that you’re not married at all.
Pant: Also, I think we’re all secretly having an affair with our laptops. The first thing I do in the morning is look for my laptop. Ideally, I should kiss my wife.
The silliest things they’ve done for love
In college, I was in love with a Swedish guy. I took flowers and candies and left them outside his door, without a note.
He still doesn’t know it was me. I still stalk him on Facebook
|PANT: I recorded all the cheesiest love ballads, decorated my friend’s car with flowers and balloons and played it to her. She left me for my friend who owned the car|
When I was 11, I bought lots of cookies and candies, wrote a letter and bought a teddy bear for a girl.
She took them, turned me down and walked away
I once stole a bottle of perfume from my mom’s cupboard for a girl
I once took a rickshaw to a restaurant
From HT Brunch, February 9
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