Lose weight now, ask me how. Or don’t. Not this Diwali. This quip of instant wisdom has become integral to my conversations with friends/family/co-workers/anyone who has heard I am trying to lose weight.
And having had three false starts in the past four years, by this Diwali I am determined to fit into size 26 jeans. But while I am willing to sacrifice my social life and festive eating at the altar of a thinner waistline, I do not see it happening. Why? Because the exhaustive list of nonsense advice people dish out is, well, exhausting. Not to say that I haven’t tried some of it, or that bits of the advice don’t have the potential to be the protagonists of my weightloss love story. But truthfully, none of the advice has worked. And if you think you can lose weight by eating chilli, then be my guest. PS. If you want to sue, remember, I didn’t come up with these.1 Chew your food at least 46.7778 times before gulping it down.
2 Don’t drink water during your meals, even if that means that you slowly start resembling the yellow beaked, angry bird.
3 Don’t drink water before your meals, it might drown out the precious digestive juices.
4 Don’t drink water after your meals, at least not until an hour later, or more. Till your tongue swells up just enough to start pronouncing ‘thin’ as ‘fin’.
5 Don’t drink water. Ever.
6 Drink water. Two litres every morning after your tongue has completely withered from begging for two drops of it last night.
7 Drink water. And don’t eat. Anything. For seven days straight. Also, don’t work, walk or breathe. It’s called a water fast.
8 Laugh. A lot. And run after your dog, or your kids or even the painters at home for the pre- Diwali clean-up. (A real quote from a celeb mag).
9 Always eat your dinner before 7 pm, even if everyone is outside bursting crackers as you angrily chomp on celery.
10 Do at least 1,000 tummy crunches every day. Then roll over and die.
11 Start running for at least two hours. Twice. Every day. Then roll over and die, again.
12 Paste a cutout of a hot model/actress/superwoman in your kitchen. So in those really low moments, there’s something to stare at as you dig through a tub of Belgian chocolate-chip caramel ice cream.
13 Give up sugar. Not even a single speck in your tea or coffee. Until you realise you have been sleep-raiding the mithai boxes in your fridge every night.
14 Why work out when there are slimming pills? So that you still have control over your bowel movements when you need it most, like in the middle of a puja or on a hot date.15 Give up meat, fish, eggs, oil, milk, mango, coconut, banana, oil, alcohol and living.
16 Your family is fat? There’s no way you are ever losing that lard.
17 Sleep before 9 pm. At your work desk. Sure, your boss will understand.
18 Need a flat stomach for the the card party of the season? Don’t eat the whole day. So when you faint later, there’s always the open bar to blame.
19 Don’t be stressed about losing weight. Right, that’s how I gained it in the first place.
20 Chant: “I am as light as a feather.” At least you’ll be one of those awesome, crazy fat people everyone is scared of.
21 Eat as much chilli as you can. It cuts out the calories. And your intestinal lining too! (I actually figured out this one!)
22 Going to a Diwali mela, eh? Eat at home. You can safely recoil every time you feel remotely tempted by a paani puri. Or spend the entire evening looking for lettuce.
From HT Brunch, November 11
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