Bit of wit: Hunting for a ban ambassador

  • Vikramdeep Johal, Hindustan Times, Chandigarh
  • Updated: Sep 20, 2015 15:17 IST

Hats off to my third eye and sixth sense. I could see it from miles that the porn ban would be followed by the meat ban. No prizes for guessing what the two have in common. Of course it’s flesh: raw, cooked, tanned or canned. The bans might have been short-lived, but the BJP sarkar’s message is loud and clear: go veggie, in mind and body. Shun all kinds of maas pleasure. Adopt green as the new saffron. Never mind that it’s also the colour of our hostile neighbour, the country of some notso-Sharif people.

What this Ghaas-Phoos Abhiyan needs is an angelic ban ambassador, someone who loves all God’s creatures as one’s own children, even the bloodsucking Aedes mosquito. Somebody who won’t hurt a fly but would rather give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation if it crash-lands into one’s glass of milk. If left to his own devices, our PM would promptly pick himself for the job. Don’t forget that Modiji had expressed heartfelt grief at imagining a puppy, apparently of a minority community, being run over by a car somewhere in Gujarat. Still, as Plan B, I have come up with a short list of probables.

Sunny Leone

Once the porn queen, she has mellowed like old wine in a nude bottle. All that she shows now is her cleavage, midriff and thunder thighs (if you’re ogling her from top to bottom). Far from encouraging rapists, her condom ads are boosting population control as men are too busy fantasising about her and have lost interest in their unexciting bedfellows. So high are her ethical standards that even during her dirty days, Sunny didn’t drag animals into her blue bedspread. Only her grunts and groans had something bestial about them.


The obvious sarkari candidate is Maneka Gandhi, for her pet PETA ways, but you just can’t ignore this holier-than-thou trinity. They are the sacred cows who have survived one controversy after the other. No matter how many effigies of theirs the opposition burns, their bovine grace remains intact. This sari-clad trio has proved that the female of the species is mightier than the male. Even when it’s a male who’s ruling the country.

Salman Khan

In and as Bajrangi Bhaijaan, he played the shudh shakahari Brahmin with conviction (not to be confused with the hit-and-run conviction). Going by his reel religion, Sallu shouldn’t have helped the mutton-loving Munni, but he was only Being Human. And, it goes to his credit that he has never mowed down any animal while driving, drunk or sober. It’s another matter that dogs and co are too smart to sleep on the pavement.

Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh

The beefy godman can single-handedly enforce any ban on earth as well as other planets. In MSG-2, he could have easily torn an elephant to pieces, but look how gently he brings down the jumbo, with a bit of SFX help. In his magnificent magnanimity, Ram Rahim has given a key human role to an anaconda. And the dreaded reptile has performed so well that even Nawazuddin Siddiqui is having sleepless nights. Wonder why they are not screening the baba’s films in zoos. That’s where they will get all the catcalls, wolf whistles and hyena laughs.

For my part, the least I can do for the national Vaishno cause is to stop cracking non-veg jokes, such as the one about what happened on the wedding night of an elephant and an ant. And yes, I am going green. Need proof ? Right now, I’m all set to dive into a bowl of steamy, creamy saag meat.

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