Bit of wit: No escaping mango mania

  • Vikramdeep Singh Johal, Hindustan Times
  • Updated: May 03, 2015 10:45 IST

Dear reader, I gave you two weeks to digest all those potatoes. Hope you haven’t overexerted your bowels. Now, for something sweet. How about mangoes? The ‘king of the fruits’ is the lip-smacking flavour of the summer, though soft-drink makers want us to enjoy it all year round. An all-out war is going on between the top brands in the ad, mad world.

Frooti’s got Shahrukh Khan, Maaza has roped in Varun Dhawan and Gulshan “Bad Man” Grover, and Katrina Kaif is in the Aamsutra mode for Slice. There are several outfits that can cash in on the mango mania through ads of their own. Here are some ideas for them, free of cost.

Aam Aadmi Party:
As the ad begins, we see a big board that reads “Alphonso Aam Farm”. Two masked trespassers arrive and start stealing the mangoes. Arvind Kejriwal lands at the spot, wearing a muffler despite the scorching heat. He unmasks the duo, who turn out to be Yogendra Yadav and Prashant Bhushan. Wielding his lethal broom, AK shoos them away. Then he writes on the board: “Wild animals and rebels not allowed.”

Indian National Congress: During his sabbatical, Rahul Gandhi is sitting under a tree, thinking of giving up politics for good. A mango falls from the tree and hits him on the head. He asks a passer-by what this variety is called. The name’s “Chausa”, rhyming with Dausa, the native place of deceased farmer Gajendra Singh. The Congress vice-president takes this as a Newtonian sign that farmers of the country need him badly. He cuts short his break and heads straight for the nearest grain market. Four years on, he leads his party to a landslide victory in the 2019 Lok Sabha polls. The Congress proudly modifies its election symbol, making the traditional “hand” clutch a ripe “Dussehri”.

NDA government: A farmer stands in his field, now acquired by the pro-poor government. Debt-ridden and rain-ravaged, he holds a bottle of pesticide, ready to end his life. The moment he opens it, he sees an Air India One flying overhead. On board is Prime Minister Narendra Modi, who drops a juicy mango, hand grenade-style. The farmer catches the fruit bearing a “Make in India” sticker and says bitterly: “Mere paas na bangla hai, na gaadi hai, na zameen hai.” With an angelic smile, Modi replies: “Tumhare paas aam hai.” Bowled over by the one-liner, the farmer throws away the bottle and goes home, dreaming of the elusive “achhe din”.

Kings XI Punjab: The so-called Kings have been reduced to paupers, languishing at the bottom of the IPL table. A worried Preity Zinta guesses that the problem lies in the colour of the team jersey, which was originally inspired by her apple-red cheeks. One look at the mango convinces her that the outfit must go yellow, al la Chennai Super Kings. The new hue works wonders. Kings leapfrog to the top and go on to win the IPL title, prompting Ness Wadia to announce that he’s ready to kiss-and-make-up.

Vishva Hindu Parishad: A just-married Hindu couple is getting ready for the “suhaag raat”. Out of the blue, a team of VHP volunteers enters the bedroom, carrying a crate of “Langra”. With a wink, their leader tells the groom: “This fruit is an explosive aphrodisiac. Have one before you get going. Don’t let the Muslims out populate us at any cost. We won’t allow India to become another Pakistan or Afghanistan.” The VHPians depart, the groom grabs a fleshy one, the bride blushes and turns off the lights.

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