How to be a follower: A hurried man’s guide

Joy at Rs 4,000 a session. No, it’s not what it sounds like, you impure soul! I am talking about a readymade solution to all your agonies.

Not necessarily involving bodily movements of the unseemly variety, this session is all about pure pleasure, an encounter with the guru in touch with the other side. Say hello to, well, you know who. The Mr Mr Master, who would talk you out of your problems and talk himself into your pocket, is here and now.

And while you are at it — gaining joy, that is — do not get lulled by those chants and lose concentration in between. Use, instead, the Veer Ras variety of rousing pop songs by another guru who makes frequent trips to clean up towns but finds it hard to come clean himself.

(Photo Courtesy: Thinkstock)

If you are not savvy enough to look up his songs on the internet — just so that you know, YouTube has Pita-ji singing on a tractor while wearing Roman sandals, badminton shorts and wrestling vests, with a tiara gracing his head — ask him for a CD the next time he comes to town for a court hearing.

For those of you measuring the height of your guru by the depth of allegations, the pop-song-guru faces murder charges besides rape. And he was there first.

Clothes hold the key, mostly. The gurus like it if you have decent covering but, irrespective of your gender, even a salwar-kameez would do, for emergencies. However, if you’re going to one of those early morning camps that serve political vitriol on a mythological platter — while you try odd positions with your body — nothing would work better than a track suit.

How should you get there? For the moderately devoted, there are trucks converted into double-deckers that fall into gorges once in a while, leading to sure salvation. For those with style, there are customised rides, sometimes four SUVs with the same number and bumpers shaped like a heart. If it’s a model that featured in music videos of Babaji-gone-Jacko, the price would go up, and your devotion would have to follow.

What should you learn? Most of my fellow idiots think these gurus tell you what you know already.

Be good, do not sin, don’t desire worldly possessions, respect elders, so back and so forth. Well, my friends, pay attention to your TVs early in the morning, before news actually appears on news channels. While some gurus display the highest order of hypocrisy and others set examples of what not to do, there are geniuses everywhere. Have you ever paid attention to the kind of samosa you are eating? Well, no wonder the kirpa hhas stopped. Now go have goat milk before you get dengue.

As for that doctor who sees no connection, ask him what he was doing at Babaji’s ashram last week.

But your personal conduct is not the only domain for professional do-gooders. Some also guide their share of the herd towards specific buttons on the EVMs on poll day. Twisting your body, gargling your guts and breathing through one nostril at a time is not enough; you must also be ruled by the Baba’s friends who will give him free land to set up a camp where he would again teach you how to twist your mind, gargle your logic and hear just one thought all the time.

But why am I telling you all this? Am I an expert in going to these gurus? Am I a sinner repenting by calling the kettle black? Am I an atheist; or a failed Baba myself ?

Oh, come on. My credentials be damned, I’ve already done my duty: Put myself on a pedestal and told you what to do. If you’re angry with me, you’re politically motivated. My motivations, like those of my fellow pontificators, are thoroughly non-political.

P.S. If the article this week reads like it’s been written in a hurry, you should know that I’ve been terribly busy packing my bags for Unnao. Babaji says there’s 1,000 tonnes of gold under a fort there. Minds closed, fingers crossed.


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