Ramdev’s pills and spills

  • Vikramdeep Johal, Hindustan Times, Chandigarh
  • Updated: May 04, 2014 14:59 IST

Respected Ramdevji, Surya namaskar. I’m not surprised to know that you have done it again. Using your boneless body to great effect, you have put your foot firmly in your mouth. I have attempted this tough asana many times, but it’s my beer belly that always comes in the way. No wonder you are the yoga guru and I’m not even fit to be your disciple.

So, you are in the soup over your comments on Rahul Gandhi, Dalits, honeymoon and picnics. Of all your body parts, I think your tongue is the most mischievous. It ruthlessly lashes the high and mighty, and slips, twists and turns like a fish fresh out of water. Complaints against you are flying thick and fast, but I’m sure you will weather this storm as well.

I fondly remember how you donned a salwar-kameez to escape the cops’ clutches during the historic crackdown at Delhi’s Ramlila Maidan in June 2011. The police finally caught you, courtesy your bushy beard which even a dupatta couldn’t conceal, but by then you had become a national daredevil.

I became your fan for life when I tried your ‘anardana pachak goli’ after a sinful buffet. The gaseous relief I got saved me from a sleepless night in the loo. Fresh the next morning, I bought other digestion-friendly products manufactured by your Patanjali Ayurved Limited, such as ‘jeera khatti meethi goli’ and ‘hing peda’.

Soon, I diversified and went in for Dant Kanti (toothpaste), Kesh Kanti (anti-dandruff shampoo) and Somya sabun (soap). I’ve been proudly using them all as they give me a herbal, ‘Made in Bharat’ feeling. In my book, you are to yoga and ayurveda what the Big B was to Bollywood — a one-man industry.

I’ve heard that some people have decided to boycott your goods in protest against your controversial remarks. This reminds me of the scary time when Made-in-Gujarat items such as Amul butter and cheese were shunned by many after the ‘state-sponsored’ post-Godhra riots. Don’t you worry, Ramdevji. As long as people overeat, they will need your pills. And don’t forget that Modi sarkar has almost been formed, even though the Lok Sabha polls are yet to be over. Thanks to your saffron leanings, even your most outrageous statements will soon be applauded and included in school textbooks.

I don’t agree with fellows who are accusing you of being unhealthily interested in Rahul’s private life — whether he will marry a Dalit girl or a foreigner, where or how he will spend his honeymoon, etc.

It’s true that you bravely resisted the charms of item girls Kashmira Shah and Sambhavna Seth in Aap Ki Adalat, but that doesn’t mean you are gay. You are a full-blooded male who considers homosexuality a disease, and even Salman Khan can’t match your topless lifestyle. It’s a pity that your jealous opponents will come up with anything just to pull down your langot. Here’s my appeal to you: put your zabaan in the lagaam mode for a few days.

A scorching saffron sun is rising in the country. Had you contested the elections and won, you would’ve been made the health minister in the NDA government. Still, your status as the BJP’s swadeshi ambassador is unchallenged. But it remains to be seen whether you will continue your crusade against corruption and black money, which gave the UPA many sleepless nights. We all know that your left eye can’t help blinking, despite all your yogic remedies. Hope you won’t turn a blind eye to the goings-on around you, if and when the NaMo juggernaut starts rumbling.
Your overweight bhakt

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