I hereby demand that the Lok Sabha elections be held while the weather is still pleasant, not in May when they are due. Or, the polling booths should have ACs. Because this time, I actually want to cast my vote before I open my mouth to demand something. No, I am no AAP placard-holder or professional candle-lighter, and that's mainly because I don't like Arvind Kejriwal's dressing sense. I am just happy that I have a candidate from Chandigarh worthy of my vote this time: Jannat Jahan of the BSP.
I know, I know, journalists are supposed to write their hearts out but not reveal their heart's desires. Yet, I am willing to stick my neck out and reveal my preferences. Don't worry, as an English-language journalist I do dutifully despise Jahan's supreme boss Mayawati as much for her corrupt deeds as for her desi manner of speaking. But this is not about Behenji; this is about my love of the unabashed and direct leader of the masses, Jannat Jahan.
Go back to the book if you still think the BSP's alphabet booklet has only the following lessons: A for Atrocities, B is for Behenji, C for Corruption, D for Disproportionate Assets and E is for Elephant. Jannat went one step ahead in the Chandigarh MC House meeting this Thursday. F is for F**k.
Ignore the stars that replace U and C - that's newspaper policy - and you see what I mean. She used the word, dropped the F-bomb, did it with her finger pointing - not the middle one, but that's OK - she did on camera, she said what I and you always want to say, 'cause she's just awesome!
"I damn care about this f***ing House," she said, throwing the overrated duo of civility and grammar to the wind. MC House can go make love to itself, Jannat anyway deserves to be in the Big House. And before she makes up her mind about the White House, let's at least put her in the Lok Sabha.
Where else will you get a convent-educated, young, woman politician with such clarity of thought and a profoundly foul mouth? She doesn't care about manners, about elders sitting to her left and right, nor does she subscribe to the age-old tradition of legislation and debate. To hell with all that, I say, we have our Jannat. Even her name literally means 'heaven'.
For argument's sake, you may argue that profanities flying in legislative Houses are not a new thing in our country. Akali minister Bikram Majithia and Congress's Rana Gurjit Singh did it in the Punjab assembly this year in Chandigarh itself. They, in fact, employed a wider vocabulary. Even chairs have flown in Houses across the subcontinent and even beyond.
But tell me honestly: Aren't you bored of the MC-BC variety and needless flexing of muscles? Shouldn't the biggest democracy in the world have some decency in its choice of abuse? Punjabi, Bhojpuri and Hindi may put your thoughts across better, and a chair may prove more physically hurtful, but English sounds way cooler any given day. Plus it has an aspirational quality to it that makes it easier for the less educated and illiterate leaders of our cattle-class country to feel insulted.
If only Jannat adds some legal lingo and high-decibel lungs to her linguistic array, she's the real hope for the Private Member's Bill against Underuse of Profanities 2014, which I've so lovingly drafted for at least one anti-hypocrite like her to turn up and table in Parliament. The day I read what she had done, I dug the Bill out of the D: drive of my porn-free computer and placed it on the Desktop.
This week, actually, I was planning to write about the concept of shackles and release, of chains and chain-smoking, and how I hate that the Independence Day parade has never featured Chacha Chaudhary and Saabu. But Jannat's one word has brought the right things into focus, lest we forget.
F is also for freedom; in this case, freedom from hypocrisy. F**k manners!