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Wife-beating and retreating

A UN report says six out of 10 Indian men admit that they beat their wives. The other four seem too goody-goody to be true. Anyway, here’s my own farm-fresh personality quiz that will test how good or bad you guys are at battering your better half.Writes Vikramdeep Singh Johal

chandigarh Updated: Apr 06, 2015 13:26 IST
VIkramdeep Singh Johal

A UN report says six out of 10 Indian men admit that they beat their wives. The other four seem too goody-goody to be true. Anyway, here’s my own farm-fresh personality quiz that will test how good or bad you guys are at battering your better half.

Question 1: How frequently do you beat your wife?

(a) Daily, preferably after meals
(b) Once a week, usually Sunday
(c) Once a month, traditionally on the first day
(d) Once a year, the day after Karva Chauth

Question 2: Is your wife-beating rate better than your frequency in bed?

(a) Definitely yes
(b) Maybe
(c) Can’t say, as you are not very good at counting
(d) Not at all

Question 3: Why do you assault your missus?

(a) You believe it’s your fundamental right, the one that got left out of the Constitution by mistake
(b) You badly need some physical exercise, and feel this is the best way to go about it
(c) You are provoked by your wife’s constant nagging and sulking
(d) You merely retaliate as it’s she who hits you first

Question 4: What’s your wife’s instant reaction to the beating?

(a) She says sorry and promises never to repeat the mistake, even if she hasn’t made any
(b) She keeps mum, for a change
(c) She threatens to call the police, or go on a shopping spree, if you do it again
(d) She thrashes you like the Sonepat sisters, leaving you black and blue

Question 5: What do you do immediately after the act?

(a) You start beating her all over again
(b) You threaten to elope with her (the maid, not the wife)
(c) You lock yourself up in the bathroom
(d) You say sorry on bended knee and promise to buy her (the wife, not the maid) a diamond ring

Points guide

For every question, give yourself four points for choosing (a), three for (b) and so on. Now let’s see where you stand.

16-20 points: You are the cock of the walk, the Bigg Boss of your house. Your manforce is unquestionable, though there’s a question mark over your manhood. Don’t give a damn if they call you an MCP, or worse, an MC (not municipal councillor).

11-15: You have brute power, but you don’t use it as much as you should. Maybe it’s the Protection of Women from Domestic Violence Act that pegs you down. Have no fear of the law. Down a few pegs and become a law unto yourself.

6-10: Your physical-mental weakness often cripples you. You easily get intimidated by the weaker sex. Perhaps you have forgotten that God made Eve from Adam’s rib. It must have been one hell of a complicated operation, but He somehow pulled it off.

1-5: You are a gentle man, a sissy. Yours is a hopeless, hen-pecked case. Your feeble wife-beating efforts are like water off a duck’s back.

Ask yourself: What’s good about being a good husband if it’s of no good? The least you can do is go on a hunger strike in support of the Protection of Men from Domestic Violence Act.