Khalid Mohamed

Rating: **

What a rocket! In a three-tier train, you suddenly find Pakeezah poppet. Raaj Kumar Sood sees Meena Kumar Koppikhar’s face, feet and nose. Right away, he wants to give her a long stemmed rose. Alas, since there are no gardens in sight, Sood Jaani simply composes a sonnet, sings, and sings, and sings, till you’re convinced that he’s a ghazal kinng. Pling!

Indeed, everyone sings their hearts-`n’-lungs out in Kaushik Ghatak’s Ek Vivaah..Aisa Bhi, till you’re convinced it’s a re-launch for lyricist-composer Ravindra Jain. On surviving the tsunami of ding-dong-songs, you remember – aha – this is a remake of Barjatya Factory’s Tapasya (1976) in which Raakhee as a self-sacrificial lamb made seekh kababs of every other actress in town. She was that powerful, going at the role meatier than a leg of roast mutton. Chutney maarke.

Now that was quite audacious because Rajshree products are strictly vegetarian. No eggs permitted. Over three decades later, too, the retro-retread celebrates the joys of gaajar halwa and besan laddoos which are photographed in loving close-ups. Fine. Trouble: both in attitude and technique, this tearjerker is trapped in a time warp. There has been no progress at all in terms of values, relationships. And hello, there’s even a cruelly cuckoo chacha-`n’- chachi who must have flown over from Ekta Kapoor’s nest. Or from Grr Grr ki Kahani.

Falooda colour costumes, odd sets (a down-at-heel family displays a Ming vase!) and a story-telling style which went out with Shaikh Chilli (make that Raj Kanwar) , indicate that the Barjatyas want to reach out to the viewer who believes in the archaic and outmoded. Instead of being practical (why can’t the sacrificing woman rent out rooms in her Hilton Towers-like haveli?, there’s a stubborn insistence on no-marriage-no kiss-no hug-no sex (ouch) till the heroine’s baby sister and baba brother are fed, bathed, educated, married off, sent off to the U S and the lord knows what else! Maybe even a handshake with Barack Obama.

Till then Railgaadi Pakeezah (Eesha Koppikhar, her spelling) and Raaj-e-Ghazal (Sonu Sood) must wait. Platonically and at a barge pole distance just in case there are ungodly vibes. Meanwhile, Ghazal’s mum is about to lose her patience just like the gay designer’s mum in Fashion. Eventually, Kid Brother (Anonymous Kumar) brings home a wife (Anonymous Kumari) who goes cackle-cackle like those ingrates from Baghban to quote the most recent example. Not surprisingly, Sacrificing Pakeezah suffers from a violent case of migraine. So do you. Ooh.

To be honest, you still have a certain sneaking regard for the Barjatya product, because it’s so innocent and naïve that it’s heartbreaking. Also some high-pitched dramatic moments do get to your tear ducts. And most redeemably, the sob opera has a consistently inspired and delicately shaded performance by Eesha Khoppikhar, her career-best. Sonu Sood, reminding you of Amitabh Bachchan in his Bansi aur Birju days, goes at his part with heartfelt conviction too. And an actress who goes crazy playing the dholak is engagingly perky. Woh kaun thi, please?

So, with all its pros and cons, should you attend this Vivaah..? Only if you’re in the mood for watching an Alok Nath portrait, sharbats, mithais, puris.. oh forget it!