Experimenting with a new pee-pee-pee growth model

  • Manas Chakravarty
  • Updated: May 10, 2015 00:31 IST

(TNN | May 6, 2015: Gadkari leaks his gardening secret, says ‘I use my urine on plants’)

First, the facts. Despite Mr Gadkari taking the piss for his remarks, urine is known to be a good fertiliser and scientific studies have borne this out. Of course, precautions need to be taken, like diluting the urine with water. But the fact remains that Gadkariji is on to a good thing and needs our encouragement. May his kidney grow stronger and his bladder weaker. For has it not been said, ‘Blessed are the pissmakers’?

His experiment opens up enormous opportunities for the country’s agriculture. The collective urinating power of over a billion people, soon to be called pee-ple, is not to be scoffed at. And then there is cow urine, buffalo urine, goat, elephant and other exotic urines to add to the flow. The country has a huge competitive advantage in urine production. Those who are laughing at Mr Gadkari are pissing in the wind.

Of course, the vast quantities of urine need to be managed properly. Merely sprinkling it on plants in your garden won’t do. I propose we adopt the Pay for Pee model, P4P for short. Pee-ple will have to collect their urine, sell it to piss wholesalers, from whom local pee retailers can sell it to farmers. For starters, we need to give it a suitable name. We could, adopting the government’s preferred acronym system, call it Project MUTRA, or Manufacturing Urine To Revitalise Agriculture. Or if we want a fancier name, we could call it the MahaMutra Mala, to give it a Sanskrit flavour. It will of course be under the new ministry of urine.

Next, we need to motivate people. We should have a system of rewards so that big contributors can be honoured. For example, the head of the project could be called, respectfully, The Urinator. Those with maximum contribution could be called Peers of the Realm. I believe they already have such titles in the UK. Pissing competitions must be organised, but not on the small scale basis as happens at present. Instead, we could have an IPeeL, modelled on the cricket IPL. Needless to add, the tournament will need a regulator, to be called the Board of Control for Peeing in India. Motivational works about urine should be widely publicised. These will include ‘Peeing and Nothingness’ by Jean-Paul Sartre, ‘To Pee or Not to Pee’ by William Shakespeare, Leo Tolstoy’s ‘War and Piss’ as well as the famous Broadway musical, ‘Piddler on the Roof’.

Marketing is very important. Urine collectors must brand their urine for quality control. An ‘Entre-pee-neur’ of the year award should be given for the best performers in the urine business.

It’s not just agriculture that will benefit. So will the poor, simply because their urine will become an asset. They can sell it and earn a steady flow of income. Pee-ple will be able to pee their way out of poverty. As the old adage goes, ‘Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; buy his urine and you feed him for a lifetime.’ I would love to continue this erudite discussion, but I have to go fill that tank.

(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. The views expressed are personal.)

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