It’s time to take sides. Vote for my leader
Dear voter, the choice is before you. Make no mistake, this is an absolutely critical election. In centuries to come, historians will talk in hushed tones about the 2014 polls and how they changed the entire course of the universe.columns Updated: Apr 19, 2014 22:37 IST
Years after the historic event, when you are a grandmother or grandfather sitting with your grandchild in your lap, what will you answer when the brat looks up expectantly at you and asks in a childish treble, “Grandpa/grandma, whom did you vote for in the 2014 elections?” Will you blush, look away and mumble, “We…ell, actually, I….er….kind of voted for the ghoul who completely destroyed the country, which is why I can’t even afford to buy toffee for you”? Or will you thump your chest, look the little blighter in the eye and proudly say, “Ha, I voted for this great leader who did wonderful things for the country, so that I cannot only pay for your gorging on sweets all day, but also for a new set of teeth when these drop off”?
That, dear voter, is the choice before you. Make no mistake, this is an absolutely critical election. In centuries to come, historians will talk in hushed tones about the 2014 Indian general elections and how they changed the entire course of the universe. This is no time for pussyfooting, it is a time to take sides. On the one hand are the angelic forces of good, on the other stand the dark satanic gangs of evil. One road leads straight to heaven on earth, the other directly to the depths of hell. The choice is crystal clear. You must vote for my party and my leader.
If you do not and the Vile Ones are victorious, the country will go to rack and ruin. The idea of India will wither away, cooks will stop making pork vindaloo and the latest iPhone will not sell in India. Google Glass will shun our shores. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. And there will be a freaking out of people. Viruses will stalk both computers and communities. Not just four, but a whole horde of horsemen of the Apocalypse will trample the cities of the plain to dust. The 3Ds — death, destruction and dyspepsia — will make a dystopia of this nation.
But it is entirely up to you. If you vote for my party and we win, the land will overflow with milk and honey. For the lactose-intolerant, there will be single malts. Flowers will be in full bloom, fruit will hang heavy on trees. There will be spanking new malls stocked with shining goodies. All men will have six packs and all women will be gorgeous. Wallets will bulge. We will beat China hollow. The Indian male will stop peeing on boundary walls.
Be careful, for the wicked parties will try to trap you with false promises. Every line in their manifestos, every word, each comma and benighted full stop, is a black lie. Do not believe anything they tell you. For the gospel truth, listen only to me.
Consider my hero. How brilliant, how charming, how erudite, how passionate, yet how touchingly humble. Confidence oozes out of every pore, every orifice. How magnetic, how marvellous! Contrast the snivelling weasels who are the leaders of other parties.
Ok, maybe I went a bit over the top about my leader, who’s actually rather an idiot. But as an American president said about a tin-pot Latin American dictator during the Cold War, “He may be a bastard, but he is our bastard.” So go out there, folks, and vote for my candidate.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
The views expressed by the author are personal