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Other parties are AAP the creek without a paddle

columns Updated: Feb 14, 2015 23:26 IST
Manas Chakravarty
Manas Chakravarty
Hindustan Times

The spectacular victory of the Aam Aadmi party in the Delhi elections has led to a lot of soul-searching by political parties. Our unreliable sources have sent these unconfirmed reports:

The BJP meeting
The Pradhan Sevak kicked off the BJP’s chintan baithak. ‘Some say the glass is half empty,’ he said, ‘but I say the glass is 3/70ths full.’ A pracharak lamented bitterly, ‘It’s a pity, even after 1,200 years, Delhi has still not been liberated.’ ‘Terrible,’ agreed a chalak of some kind, ‘God knows what sort of history will now be taught in Delhi schools.’

‘The important question we have to ponder is, ‘How would an ancient Aryan tackle this situation?’ piped up a wannabe jingoist. A margdarshak said there was a sinister plot afoot to wean away majority votes. ‘It’s a Vote jihad,’ he complained. ‘The problem,’ said Pradhan Sevak, ‘is while taking care of the aspiring classes, we completely forgot about the perspiring masses. The upshot: we look like expiring asses.’ Shouts of ‘Brilliant analysis’ and ‘Wah, wah’ were heard. Much encouraged, the Boss Sevak continued, ‘Our strategy will be to go from D2 2 B2.’ ‘From Delhi Disaster to Bihar Bonanza’, he said amidst wild cheering.

The Congress meeting
‘All those responsible for this catastrophe must be sacked,’ said a veteran flunkey, adding quickly he meant junior and middle-level workers. Someone complained they were running out of junior workers to sack. A senior sycophant said Jayanthi Natarajan was to blame. That was when Boss Lady stepped in. ‘It would be silly to think,’ she said, ‘that Modi has lost his touch with the people. Look at the success of his Mann ki Baat programme.’ ‘Son,’ she continued, ‘you too must do a radio show.’ The Son agreed. ‘What shall we call it, mum?’ he asked. ‘Why, Son ki Baat of course,’ she said.

The AAP meeting
‘How many hundreds of thousands of CCTVs did we promise?’ asked an aam aadmi. ‘Lots,’ groaned an MLA despondently. ‘We could get bulk discounts, or Chinese equipment,’ said another hopefully. ‘Can we get the Chinese to build schools and hospitals cheap?’ asked an optimist. That’s when the chief Aam Aadmi broke in. ‘We need have no worries about finances, folks. I have received emails from many kind Nigerian people, all tremendously eager to give us large sums of money, as soon as we help them with some upfront payments. Adding up the sums mentioned in these emails gives me a total of euro 250 billion,’ he announced amidst deafening applause.

The Trinamool Congress meeting
‘It was I,’ gloated the boss, ‘I told Aurobindo to do it.’‘Sri Aurobindo?’ queried an over-educated minion, ‘hasn’t he been long dead?’ ‘Aurobindo Kejriwal,’ screeched the boss lady, reiterating it was she who told him to ‘give a bamboo to BJP.’

The CPI(M)
‘The Delhi electorate gave a fitting reply to Obama,’ said the Man Who Thought He Was Stalin. ‘It’s a vote against neo-imperialism,’ he smirked.

The Shiv Sena
Dubious reports say the headline for the next editorial in Saamna, the Shiv Sena mouthpiece, is likely to be ‘Kejriwal strikes a decisive blow for Maratha pride.’

(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. The views expressed by the author are personal.)