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The untold story of the mysteries of 2013

columns Updated: Dec 29, 2013 00:00 IST
Manas Chakravarty
Manas Chakravarty
Hindustan Times
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It’s that time of the year when we hacks are expected to put together year-ending pieces, penetrating insights pregnant with meaning, spotting trends and patterns in the mishmash of events that made up the year. So here goes:

The first hint of what 2013 had in store for us was seen early in the year when a massive meteor exploded over Chelyabinsk in Russia. Was it really a meteor? And did it really explode?

Another inkling of things to come had been seen in January, when the iPotty was unveiled at Las Vegas. Billed as a ‘comfortable and child-friendly potty with activity stand for iPad’, with educational apps for touchscreen toilet training, the evil device is obviously meant for the spawn of Satan.

Consider next what happened to the sign-language interpreter at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service. He heard voices and saw angels, which is why he made meaningless hand signals. I don’t buy the theory he messed up because he couldn’t understand a word of what Pranab-da was saying. So where do you think those so-called angels came from? Were they alien devils from Chelyabinsk? Recall that a large asteroid narrowly missed the earth a few months before Mandela’s death.

Look at the guy who claims he is Kejriwal and how he covers his head and ears with that muffler. Is it because he has pointy ears? Or is it to hide his antennae? I make no insinuations, I am merely connecting the dots.

After these events, what happened in 2013 should hardly be a surprise. For the first time in hundreds of years, a pope resigned. That wasn’t all, even Sachin Tendulkar decided to resign. The rupee plummeted, prices of onions and potatoes soared. The highest court in the land made gay people criminals once again. This was a huge blow not just to gays, but to thousands of gay wedding planners. Also hundreds of divorce lawyers who had hoped to do business out of the first gay divorces.

During the year, thanks to the doughty cyber-warrior Edward Snowden, the shocking truth that the National Security Agency was spying on practically everybody on the planet was revealed.

But why should India figure so prominently on NSA’s spying list? It makes no sense, unless there’s another sinister force lurking behind the NSA. Recall that aliens have long wanted to find the recipe for the ideal Chicken Chettinad and everything falls into place.

Note also that in May this year a UN report, clearly alien-inspired, urged people to eat insects, ostensibly to banish world hunger. Who eats insects, apart from the Chinese and devils?

Tragically, the Higgs boson revealed to scientists that the universe had a limited life span. No wonder people queued overnight for the iPhone 5S and PlayStation 4 and stabbed each other over towels on Black Friday in the US. The fact that we may not have much time left for shopping alters one’s entire view of existence.

And the final indignity of 2013 was the news that tomatoes had more genes than us, though the best families have since assured us they are descended from tomatoes.

Does all this spell imminent doom for humanity? Well, during the year Miley Cyrus patented a scary new weapon — the twerk — to protect us. And, of course, much depends on Narendra Modi. But who cares, Uruguay has legalised marijuana. From that blessed country, I wish you all a happy new year.

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint

Views expressed by the author are personal