After the Charlie Hebdo massacre, we have received this memo from the desk of Dr Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, MA (passed, second attempt), PhD (specialisation in murder, arson and bomb-making), aka Pat (President of the Association of Terrorists), Boss of ISIS.
Know Ye that Dr Bakr, peace be upon him, trudgeth up the mountain. And he spenteth 40 days and 40 nights thereupon, with neither bread nor water, only Red Bull and a little hashish. And when he cometh down from the mountain, behold, he carrieth the tablets that hath engraved on them the 10 commandments of ISIS. And the people falleth down on their knees because ISIS jihadis whippeth them and they sayeth in one voice, ‘Ouch, Thou art Caliph’. And these were his commandments:
1. Suffer little children to be killed for me. For they be frivolous brats, given to wasting time in play. Learneth from our brethren in Peshawar on the proper way of knocking off the little sinners. For child killers are precious to the Supreme Lord of All Things.
2. Tend thy beards. It be no excuse to say thee hath no hair, for there be specialists in trichology these blessed days that can grow thy facial hair in a jiffy. The length of thy beard showeth the strength of thy piety. For the Most Sublime Being loveth beards.
3. Beware of women. For the simple reason that they hath no beards. They are to always cover their repellent unbearded faces from our gazes. Bearded women mayhap be exempted. For the Creator of All Things loveth beards.
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s beard nor his wives, no matter how many wives he has. For the Great One probably wanteth males to marry a lot.
5. Thou shalt honour thy suicide bombing instructor. For only the Most Exalted One tolerateth suicide bombing instructors.
6. Thou shalt not overeat and grow so stout thee cannot fit into thy suicide bombing belt. Dost thou not knowest that McDonalds and Burger King hath been invented to ensure people doth not fit into suicide vests? The Magnificent One disliketh fat.
7. It is holy to burn all books, except a few of our favourite ones. It is tough to burn e-books, but thou must try. For The Most Wise One loveth not books and is especially revolted by girls reading them.
8. It is forbidden to play Jihadi rap while indulging in holy activities such as stoning people to death or crucifying them. For the Generous One hateth distraction.
9. It isn’t enough to kill infidels and enslave their women. Thou must also shoot a video of these holy things and put it on Youtube. For the Most Glorious One adoreth Youtube.
10. The merit points for admission to heaven are as follows: killing innocent bystanders — 10; killing kids — 20; enslaving infidels — 40; putting jihadi stuff on twitter — 60; posting jihadi videos — 70; murdering journalists — 1,000. For the Most Merciful One loatheth journalists.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
The views expressed by the author are personal