We’re not quite wits, we’re more like half-wits

  • Manas Chakravarty
  • Updated: May 03, 2014 22:37 IST

India’s politicians trash-talk their rivals: With the race for India’s general elections at full pace, political leaders have stepped up personal attacks and mudslinging: Wall Street Journal.

How has the level of political insults sunk so low? Surely they can do better than name-calling? What this election campaign needs is not more speeches, not more promises, but high-quality, memorable insults.

I have accordingly culled the Internet for famous insults and tweaked them a bit. Here are a few of them:

He is a fine example of Darwin’s theory of evolution, reminding us that we have all evolved from monkeys. As we can see, he hasn’t evolved much.

He is strongly in favour of people wearing belts, so that he can hit below them.

I am sure that he is, in himself, a den of vices. Why else is he called the party vice-president?

He may not be quite a wit, but he’s getting there. At the moment I would say he is a half-wit.

Some economists are great admirers of the Gujarat model — from the safe distance of foreign universities.

I am certain he is bursting with ideas, but the problem is that for them to see the light of day, he has to burst first.

He will make a very fine prime minister. After a few reincarnations, of course.

They say that a troop of monkeys banging away at typewriters will eventually produce Shakespeare’s Hamlet. So far, though, they have only been successful in producing our politicians’ speeches.

She is a reasonable, calm and sensible person. As long as she takes her medication.

This politician is a wise old gnome. The g is silent, as in Manmohan.

Never ever remove the cork from his person. The moment you do so, all the gas will escape, leaving only the shit behind.

I would gladly debate him any time he wants me to. I’ll even allow him to bring a dictionary.

If they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them.

He is a great hero. In his own opinion, of course.

He is a great recruiter for atheism. Who in his right mind can believe that God created him?

I know his policies sound like rubbish, but do not be fooled. They ARE rubbish.

What are his political views? We…ell, it depends, you see, on whom he’s speaking to.

Enough, the strain is getting to my brain. Let me end with a few direct quotes:

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. (Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee)

Henry James has a mind so fine that no mere idea could ever penetrate it. (TS Eliot on Henry James)

He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened. (Churchill on Stanley Baldwin)

One of the nicest old ladies I ever met. (William Faulkner on Henry James)

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. (John Bright on Benjamin Disraeli)

And this final one, purportedly out of an employee evaluation, “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

(Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. The views expressed by the author are personal)

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