What NSA found when it tapped phones of world leaders - Hindustan Times
close_game
close_game

What NSA found when it tapped phones of world leaders

Oct 27, 2013 09:03 AM IST

NSA monitored calls of 35 world leaders, according to The Guardian. Here are the transcripts of important conversations of world leaders, from the US National Security Agency (NSA) archives. Manas Chakravarty writes.

(NSA monitored calls of 35 world leaders: The Guardian, October 25)

Here are the transcripts of important conversations of world leaders, from the US National Security Agency (NSA) archives:

Hindustan Times - your fastest source for breaking news! Read now.

Vladimir Putin, Russian president

Putin: Listen carefully. I'll take Hunan.

Voice: Very well, sir

Putin: And I'll take Szechuan with that.

Voice: You want Hunan with Szechuan?

Putin: Yes. Also Hong Kong. A bit of Hong Kong.

At this point the NSA eavesdropper called Beijing and told them Russia was planning to attack China to seize the provinces of Hunan, Sichuan and Hong Kong. Chinese troops put on red alert.

Voice: Ok. One large Hunan chicken, with Szechuan sauce, one small Hong Kong chicken, with your usual Hakka noodles, sir. We'll send it to you in half an hour.Silvio Berlusconi, Italian PM at the time of this conversation

Voice: Sir, I have some bombshells.

Berlusconi: They had better be good. My friends didn't like the last ones you sent.

Voice: These will blow them away, knock them out.

The NSA phone tapper sent a memo to his boss that Berlusconi was probably planning a coup. US marines alerted.

Berlusconi: Send them to my place at midnight. Along with the Viagra.

Voice: Order noted sir. Fifteen girls, mostly blonde, for your Bunga Bunga party. Thank you.Angela Merkel, German Chancellor

Mr Merkel: We must put our secret plan into action immediately.

Voice: Are you sure?

Mr Merkel: Yes, there is no alternative to cutting my wife up.

Voice: I'll do it right away.

NSA immediately alerted the German authorities about the assassination attempt on Mrs Merkel, probably by her husband.

Voice: Don't worry. Pity she didn't follow my diet plan. But don't worry, just admit her to my clinic and I'll do the tummy tuck operation. She'll soon be slim and svelte again.

Mr Merkel: Thank you, Herr Doktor.

Barack Obama, US president

Michelle Obama: Yes, Barack, you called?

Barack Obama: I take grams of coke/Mix it with lactose, that's what I do/Streeetchh/I make a ounce of dope/with like a eighth of dope, befo I'm through/Product Streeetchh/I got it mastered, man.

That's when the NSA decided to book the US president for drug dealing.

Michelle: It's Stretch, by 50 Cent. Your hip-hop is lousy, Barack, so shut up.Manmohan Singh

Voice: Hullo

Silence

Voice: Hullo, Manmohanji

MMS: Mmmph…ummmph.

Silence

NSA (very concerned): Dr Singh, this is the NSA, are you ok?

Silence

Another voice: NSA, this is Yo Ma.

NSA tapper: You don't sound like my mom.

2nd voice: No, no, I'm Yo Ma, from the Chinese phone tapping department.

NSA tapper: You tap his phone too?

Yo Ma: Of course. But is he okay? Or will we see a power vacuum in India?

3rd voice: Relax, guys, he's the taciturn type, that's all.

NSA guy: Who're you?

3rd voice: I'm Chief Bugger, Central Monitoring System, the Indian phone and net tapping police.

NSA guy: Pleased to meet you.

Yo Ma: Likewise. Buggers of the world, unite.

Chief Bugger: Manmohanji, hope you're ok.

MMS: Theek hai.

manas.c@livemint.com

Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint

Views expressed by the author are personal

SHARE THIS ARTICLE ON
Share this article
  • ABOUT THE AUTHOR
    author-default-90x90

    The PM’s speech in Toronto contained the analogy that while India and Canada growing separately would be a2 + b2, when joined together in friendship they would be (a+b)2 which equals a2 +2ab+b2, with the synergy giving an extra 2ab.

SHARE
Story Saved
Live Score
OPEN APP
Saved Articles
Following
My Reads
Sign out
New Delhi 0C
Thursday, March 28, 2024
Start 14 Days Free Trial Subscribe Now
Follow Us On