(NSA monitored calls of 35 world leaders: The Guardian, October 25)
Here are the transcripts of important conversations of world leaders, from the US National Security Agency (NSA) archives:
Vladimir Putin, Russian president
Putin: Listen carefully. I'll take Hunan.
Voice: Very well, sir
Putin: And I'll take Szechuan with that.
Voice: You want Hunan with Szechuan?
Putin: Yes. Also Hong Kong. A bit of Hong Kong.
At this point the NSA eavesdropper called Beijing and told them Russia was planning to attack China to seize the provinces of Hunan, Sichuan and Hong Kong. Chinese troops put on red alert.
Voice: Ok. One large Hunan chicken, with Szechuan sauce, one small Hong Kong chicken, with your usual Hakka noodles, sir. We'll send it to you in half an hour.Silvio Berlusconi, Italian PM at the time of this conversation
Voice: Sir, I have some bombshells.
Berlusconi: They had better be good. My friends didn't like the last ones you sent.
Voice: These will blow them away, knock them out.
The NSA phone tapper sent a memo to his boss that Berlusconi was probably planning a coup. US marines alerted.
Berlusconi: Send them to my place at midnight. Along with the Viagra.
Voice: Order noted sir. Fifteen girls, mostly blonde, for your Bunga Bunga party. Thank you.Angela Merkel, German Chancellor
Mr Merkel: We must put our secret plan into action immediately.
Voice: Are you sure?
Mr Merkel: Yes, there is no alternative to cutting my wife up.
Voice: I'll do it right away.
NSA immediately alerted the German authorities about the assassination attempt on Mrs Merkel, probably by her husband.
Voice: Don't worry. Pity she didn't follow my diet plan. But don't worry, just admit her to my clinic and I'll do the tummy tuck operation. She'll soon be slim and svelte again.
Mr Merkel: Thank you, Herr Doktor.
Barack Obama, US president
Michelle Obama: Yes, Barack, you called?
Barack Obama: I take grams of coke/Mix it with lactose, that's what I do/Streeetchh/I make a ounce of dope/with like a eighth of dope, befo I'm through/Product Streeetchh/I got it mastered, man.
That's when the NSA decided to book the US president for drug dealing.
Michelle: It's Stretch, by 50 Cent. Your hip-hop is lousy, Barack, so shut up.Manmohan Singh
Voice: Hullo, Manmohanji
NSA (very concerned): Dr Singh, this is the NSA, are you ok?
Another voice: NSA, this is Yo Ma.
NSA tapper: You don't sound like my mom.
2nd voice: No, no, I'm Yo Ma, from the Chinese phone tapping department.
NSA tapper: You tap his phone too?
Yo Ma: Of course. But is he okay? Or will we see a power vacuum in India?
3rd voice: Relax, guys, he's the taciturn type, that's all.
NSA guy: Who're you?
3rd voice: I'm Chief Bugger, Central Monitoring System, the Indian phone and net tapping police.
NSA guy: Pleased to meet you.
Yo Ma: Likewise. Buggers of the world, unite.
Chief Bugger: Manmohanji, hope you're ok.
MMS: Theek hai.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint
Views expressed by the author are personal