Sonal Kalra gives you tips to calm down in her weekly column 'A Calmer You.'
Could someone please certify that these are not lies, anymore!
I disconnected the phone, turned around, and heard him say ‘haww’ loudly. Have you ever understood why, when people discover something scandalous, they make this rather weird sound —‘haww’ while blowing hot air out of the mouth? Neither have I. Anyway, lest you think the man in my house is stuck at the mental age of five and goes haww by the minute, let me clarify that ALL men are stuck at the mental age of five, but in this instance, I’m referring to a friend’s seven-year-old son.
“Aunty ji, you lied,” he said, after successfully finishing the haww sound. I had to quickly make a decision on whether to get more offended at being called aunty ‘ji’ — which is so much worse than just ‘aunty’, or being branded a liar. I concluded that both bordered on blasphemy. I mean, who the hell says ‘aunty ji’, till the person being addressed is at least 70. My friend had clearly gone overboard in her zeal to teach her kid the virtues of respecting the elders.
And liar? Who me? I don’t lie. In fact, I hate people who do. In this instance, he’d heard me say ‘the doorbell is ringing, I’ll call you later’ just to cut the phone conversation short. Because Bubbly aunty had chewed every ounce of my brain in the last 20 minutes. Fine, the doorbell didn’t ring. So it was technically a lie. But haven’t we all grown up having been told that a lie, if told for someone’s good, is actually not a lie. That someone, excuse me, was my sanity in this case.
‘A lie is a lie aunty ji,’ insisted the kid, and I made up my mind to tell my friend which psychiatrist to show him to.
What, by the way, is the going definition of a lie these days? If saying ‘stuck in traffic’ is a lie, then 90% of the pants around us, at any given point, should be on fire. While assuring you of my full respect for the sanctity of truth, let me recall these phrases people say, and what they really mean. Then you tell me if my demand that they be taken off the list of ‘lies’, is justified, so that some aunty-ji-monster-kid doesn’t torment us with his ‘hawws’ anymore.
1 I have read the terms and conditions and agree with them: Yeah right. I can bet Chaddha ji’s right arm if even Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg ever read those terms and conditions. Hum vele hain?
2 I’m on my way: The short form of ‘Let me finish this drink, and the next, and then I’ll be on my way home. Stop bugging me, stupid woman!’
3I never got your SMS: Unless the SMS decided to avail LTA and went off to Srinagar without telling anyone, including the server, there’s no way you didn’t get it, mister.
4I’m okay, just a bit tired: Uttered mostly by women, sulking so visibly that their faces may as well touch the ground. Basically refers to the certainty that your day is screwed. That’s okay.
5You look great: Silently — ‘Only if you had bothered to get a dress two sizes bigger and shaved those armpits’
6I’ve only had two drinks: Who says half a bottle can’t be divided into two equal drinks? You come from the land of Aryabhat and doubt this basic math fact? Shame on you.
7 It’s not expensive. It was on sale: Anything paid for and not robbed at gunpoint is technically ‘on sale’. Where’s the lie in it?
8It’s a fairly recent photo: Kindly note, fairly = 7 to 10 years old, 7 to 10 kg lighter.
9I was in a ‘no network’ zone: Actually, I had taken my cellphone’s battery out and put it back. That’s how you got an ‘unreachable’ message, you tech-retard! But as you can see, I can’t be rude.
10Your payment has been dispatched: From one corner of my brain to the other. Someday it’ll pop out of it and will then assume the physical form of a cheque. Have patience.
11Not been feeling well, since last night: Sigh. Only if hangover was an acceptable reason to take leave, I would’ve never been ‘unwell since last night’, boss. Trust me.
12Your baby is SO cute: Mom said every baby just had to be termed cute, even if he looked like a miniature version of the grumpy faced kirana shop owner. God will sentence 275 whip-lashes in hell to those who don’t make the sound of ‘awww’ when they see a baby. Or a puppy.
13I’ll just take 2 minutes of your time: That is, after I spend five times as much introducing myself and setting the background of the conversation. Dare you look at the watch! No manners, I tell you.
14This offer is only till tomorrow: By the way, have you heard ‘Tom-orrow never comes’? Great song.
15It’s not about money, it’s about the Principle: Principle is indeed most important. Once that is settled, you can talk about the interest.
16Hey, you’ve lost weight: Err...actually you’ve gained around 60 gms, but if that made you feel good, how is it sinful to tell that lie?
17 Congratulations — you are the 50,000,000th visitor to this website: I’ve always been lucky, you see. Why, seven African former heads of states have already left $560 million for me in the Nigerian bank accounts. I have documentary proof .
18The dish was the best I’ve ever had: Warning: This lie has repercussions. Be prepared to have the same dish over and over at all future dinners. But it does make the cook feel really good. Strike it off the list of lies, please.
19I don’t have any regrets in life: Crying every evening in the bathroom over the lost opportunity doesn’t count.
20I was just kidding: No I wasn’t. But then look at the look on your face. What do I do if not lie?
21My wife is my best friend: Hehe. Hehe... ....hoohahahahahaha
Sonal Kalra is seeing a psychiatrist this evening. The aunty ji bit got to her. Pray for her and send your wishes at firstname.lastname@example.org or on facebook.com/sonalkalra13. Follow on Twitter @sonalkalra