help you unclog your vocal chords when you pronounce their names.
Be that as it may, the pilgrim’s progress from Hatha yoga to Ashtanga yoga through Power yoga to the mysteries of Kundalini yoga is a thing to be celebrated. Recently, however, a new yoga style has taken the country by storm. Called Drama Yoga, it combines yogic skills, TV cameras, a circus and tangled body hair into an exciting post-modern yoga performance. Here are a few of the basic asanas of drama yoga.
The Clamber-Aboard-A-Popular-Bandwagon-Asana: First find a cause that has mass support. You have to be careful here — bringing back black money from abroad is good Karma, but a focus on unearthing domestic black money may scare your supporters away. Once identified, announce your support for it before TV cameras. These declarations, made frequently and vociferously, will develop your jaw muscles. It is advisable to grow a beard before facing the cameras, which will strengthen your hair-growing muscles, besides raising your YQ or yogic quotient.
The Getting-A-Crowd Asana: Unlike other yogic systems, drama yoga can be practised only in large open areas in front of lots of people. Sending text messages to gather crowds, known in yogic parlance as digital massaging, is excellent exercise for your fingers. Playing patriotic songs develops their sense of hearing. Cooking for the crowds awakens the chutney chakra near the bottom of your kundalini and improves your karma as well as your korma.
The Poonam-Pandey Asana: Also known as the attention-seeker’s asana, it includes the preening-for-the-TV-cam-eras mudra. Seated in the lotus posture on the dais, you must periodically wave to the cameras, wearing a robe that exposes your underarm hair to the elements for a Higher Purpose. While revealing underarm hair, chant the ageless mantra: “Do trim armpit hair/ But don’t leave armpits bare”. Please note that performing the Sirsasana or headstand while dressed in a robe may have unintended consequences.
Fast-Asana: The popularity of this asana has been waning due to over-use, but its potency as a weight-loss method is undeniable. Ending the Fast-asana involves a complicated ancient ritual. It has to be done by ingesting a glass of juice, preferably offered by two cute children, one on each side, while the Fast-asana-practitioner smiles unctuously and pats their heads.
Hot-Air-Asana: This technique consists of expelling a powerful rush of hot air from the mouth, hot air that is then lapped up by the crowd. This warms the cockles of their hearts, but it’s dangerous in large doses, leading to cockle-o-plexy. Experts say the process is akin to the famed Pawanmuktasana aka the Fartasana, but the hot air is expelled from the other end. If you don’t have a ready supply of hot air, get some politicians on the stage, they are the best hot-air merchants. With them, you can not only increase your lung power, but also practise the hijacking-the-bandwagon asana.
Other popular techniques include the cross-dressing asana, the waving-from-top-of-bus-asana, the creating- a-ten-mile-and-six-hour-long-traffic-jam asana and so on. Experts say that, practised diligently, Drama Yoga could lead straight to Political Nirvana.
Manas Chakravarty is consulting editor, Mint
(Views expressed by the author are personal)