“Modi called us termites. He is a scorpion and a snake,” said Mani Shankar Aiyar.
— Express News Service, March 4
Minister: Honourable colleagues and opposition cockroaches, we have called this meeting to discuss the Land Acquisition Bill. Let me start by….
BJP leader: Before going any further, allow me to state that you are pigs wallowing in a cesspool of corruption.
Shiv Sena politico: I would like to add: a pig with a face like a baboon’s backside.
Akali Dal leader: In my considered opinion, hippopotamuses rather than pigs. They’re fatter.
Bodoland People’s Front guy: Hippopotami. Please specify what kind of cockroach. The largest by wingspan is Megaloblatta Longipennis.
Independent MP: My vote goes to Longipennis.
CPI(M) comrade: What is important is the class composition of the pigs. These are bourgeois hippopotamuses. Besides, of course, being running dogs of capitalism.
TMC woman: Maoist Mutt sounds so much better.
Shiv Sena leader: Socialist swine too is attractive alliteratively.
Congress leader: See, you even fight like dogs and cats.
Bodoland guy: I’m a cat all right — a cool cat.
BJP honcho: After the next elections, the Congress will be as dead as a dodo.
Congress boss: You, obviously, are as drunk as a skunk.
JD(U) man: And you, certainly, are as blind as a bat.
Congress boss: I think you’re backing the wrong horse.
JD(U) man: That’s a horse of a different colour.
NCP politico: Oh, the JD(U) is just too chicken to cross the road.
BJP chap: That’s because they know there are sly old foxes on the other side.
Independent MP: Don’t be such a dog in the manger.
DMK boss: Every dog has his day.
AIADMK lady: You are goldfish turd, which is Japanese for an unwanted person who’s always tagging along.
Minister: Will you folks stop this monkey business and discuss this land acquisition….
TMC woman: We all know you are pigs feeding at the trough.
RSP comrade: Fat cats, the whole lot.
Bodoland guy: Did you know that in ancient Egypt the people worshipped the scarab, a kind of dung-beetle?
SP spokesperson: The moot question is: was it a secular dung-beetle?
BSP lady: You daft cow.
BJP guy: There are no silly cows, only sacred ones.
Shiv Sena chap: And nobody will be allowed to hit the bull’s eye. We also warn everybody against taking the bull by the horns.
Bodoland guy: Are you aware that in Chinese, the term for bullshit is ‘gou pi’ and literally means dog fart?
AIDUF representative: Oh yeah? Better to be the head of a dog than the tail of a lion.
Independent MP: You are neither dogs nor lions. You are all black sheep, political animals crooked like a dog’s hind leg, jumping around like cats on a hot tin roof and putting up a dog and pony show.
The people outside looked from termite to scorpion, from dog to goldfish turd to pigs and skunks and back again; but it was impossible to say which was which.
Manas Chakravarty is Consulting Editor, Mint. Views expressed by the author are personal.