Have a boyfriend with a glad-eye? A colleague minus manners? A marriage struck by lightning?
(Write in at your own peril)
I think of myself as a borderline schizophrenic. One side of me is meek and foolish while the other side is powerful and dark. I am tired of this fight between the meek and the powerful. I want solutions. Please help.
A Chaotic Mind, via email
You cannot hurry the process of psycho healing, Chaotic dearest. Take heart in the fact that if you were actually bonkers, you may not have been able to pin down your symptoms this accurately. Solution wise, I suggest you start talking to your…selves. Start with your meek and foolish side — chant: I am not alone. Repeat mantra 85 times a day. This could help you feel one with the foolishness of the world. When you feel dark and powerful: try hitting on women. They might dig your new improved mystical aura and rewards could be sweet. Although in the event that neither line works, be cheered there isn’t a refund to get from free-wheeling quack-columnists.
I walk like a pregnant cow. My kid sister’s friends laugh and tell me in as many words. It has also been suggested that I join classical dance — preferably Kathak to improve my body language and
become womanlier. How do I know they’re not just pulling a fast one?
Tripti Chugh, via email
You don’t. But this isn’t the time to defy your inherent gullible nature. The advice itself is like telling someone with a lisp to learn how to whistle. For all you know, it might work like a charm. And considering the alternative is being called ‘beef-gait’ for the rest of your life, you may as well ditch the hang-ups. Let the kiddies laugh. So what if you can’t walk? There are worse things than being equated with wobbly-kneed calves.
I like entertaining at home, but my close friend is a party pooper. She’s a vegetarian who won’t touch mushrooms, doesn’t like cheese and will not go anywhere near soya products. She doesn’t fancy sprouts either. And it’s getting to be quite a problem.
Rajesh Makkar, via email
Like all good people in Human Resource, be gentle but firm. Tell your picky eater to dine at home, or carry her own tupperware to your parties. Offer her cutlery, but state in no uncertain terms that you shan’t be bending backwards to accommodate some fussy vegan. Although if you prefer slimy deceit to direct confrontation, spike her leafy home-brought meal with bits of keema, and snigger to yourself how revenge is a dish best served cold.
My girlfriend keeps saying she wants to spend time with me alone. Why can’t she see that I’m busy with exams right now? What should I do?
Piyush Soni, via email
All cramming and no play will make you a very frustrated boy. Men would pay to be in your shoes, might I remind you. Your girlfriend’s not asking you to talk to her all night, nor is she demanding big expensive bags. All she wants is a little intimacy. And all it takes is time management. Although if that’s not the sort of thing you’re, um, up to, show yourself the door, my friend. Because something tells me your girlfriend is not the sort to wait till you finish your homework.