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Be Switzerland, be neutral, advises Cyrus

entertainment Updated: Apr 01, 2013 19:18 IST
Cyrus Broacha
Cyrus Broacha
Hindustan Times
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I am 19 and I like a girl. I want to start a relationship with her but I lack confidence. Besides, her pesky friends never leave her alone. How can I get her attention? Please help me start a conversation with her, so that I can start a long-term relationship with her.
—PM

PM, I'm glad you’ve decided to embark on this quest for relationships. Nineteen makes you a late bloomer. But it’s a legally acceptable age in 73 countries, four of them being developed ones. If you remember your Shakespeare, when Romeo first chatted up Juliet, he commented on Italy’s bizzare traffic and only a little while later mentioned a trip to the local coffee shop, where I’m told she had the double espresso and never even offered to pay. So, similarly, start off on a neutral topic that you know things about, like what makes you proud to be a Mumbaikar, politicians thrashing cops, politicians holding up our traffic or politicians celebrating Holi in drought-hit Maharashtra. Be Switzerland, start neutral.

I love a girl from my college. Initially, she would talk to me every day for a month and I told her that I liked her. Later she seemed to be less interested in talking to me. After a while she told me she was committed to XYZ. I still love her and miss her. Please help me.
—Jugal Shah

Ah Jugal, sorry I just did the math and it’s not looking good. She spoke to you daily, but the moment you advanced, she retreated. ‘Oops!’ as the great Mikhail Baryshnikov once said, when he tripped on an open shoelace during a Bolshoi Ballet performance. (Stilletos with shoelaces were afterwards banned by the company). This means that she panicked, so obviously, for now, a relationship is out. She’s also mentioned a mysterious lover, strangely named XYZ. However, such a name is the fault of his parents. This information tells us that she’s not interested . So beat a retreat for now. PS: If you’re Jugal Hansraj, I loved you in Masoom.

I am 17 and I asked a girl out. She loves me a lot and both of us want a long-term relationship. But she is scared of her dad, as he may not allow her to be with me. What should I do?
—Rishu

Rishu, what an innocuous problem. In India, at 17, most kids are scared of their parents finding out about their relationships. Remember how King Akbar spanked his son Jehangir when he caught him fooling around at just 16? It’s no biggie. Try to be a little inconspicuous. You guys are far from getting married. Dance the dance, follow the script. If daddy doesn’t know, then in the words of the greatest voice in female literature, Madonna, Papa can’t preach.

I am 23 and have been in a relationship for eight years. Two years ago, we mutually decided to take a break. But in the last two months, we have started chatting again. Our relationship has always been long distance. We meet every year once or twice, that too for a few hours only. We are planning on meeting next month. Should I meet her?
—Mr Confused
I think so. Any relationship built on just a couple of meetings a year for a few hours, has great potential. This follows the ‘less is more principle’ advocated by me in my book, Average Indian Male. Here, I point out that contrary to public opinion relationships where couples spend less time together, have a greater chance of going the distance. Haven’t you ever wondered why the Olympics is such a big hit? Less is more.

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