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Cyrus Broacha says make yourself scarce

Funny man Cyrus Broacha comes to your rescue and doles out relationship advice in an unconventional way.

entertainment Updated: Feb 16, 2012 15:08 IST
Cyrus Broacha

Funny man Cyrus Broacha comes to your rescue and doles out relationship advice in an unconventional way.

I am 23 years old. I had a fight with a friend two years ago and he still doesn’t speak to me. I sent him a friend request on Facebook. He added me, but doesn’t interact. I want to rekindle our friendship. I also feel I have fallen in love with him. What should I do?
Sonal Patil

Sonal, it’s like the Salman Khan-Vivek Oberoi story. You were friends, now you are not. Yet he added you on Facebook. After that, he’s humiliating you by not talking to you. You seem to like him more than he likes you (see the deft way I handle prose). Personally I feel he’s just toying with you, but think of your self-respect. Set a boundary. For instance, if he rejects your attempt to chat with him on Facebook 87 consecutive times, I think it’s safe to say that the game’s over.<b1>

I am 19. My best friend has suddenly stopped talking to me. She doesn’t even take my calls. She has a boyfriend and says she’s very serious about him. I don’t know that guy; but neither do I want to know him. The problem is that I know she loves me, and has to ignore me. She says she can’t talk to me freely because she loves me. I don’t want to lose her. Please help.
Anonymous

Make up your mind. Is she your best friend or your best lover? Don’t mix the two up. The two are as different as a one-day and test cricket match. It’s difficult to do well in both. If she has a boyfriend, then your seeded second at best. This week was Valentine’s Day, an occasion celebrated all over India, except Mumbai and Bangalore. Did she spend time with you or him? Looks like she needs to figure this one out for herself. Please pull a Gavaskar and play the waiting game. And let me do the right thing here and duck this question till you provide me with more evidence.

I am 16 years old and have a girlfriend, who doesn’t allow me to get physical with her. So to quench my thirst, I had sex with a male friend. Since then I have been watching gay porn. But I certainly love women. Now I’m confused about my sexual orientation. Please help.
— Curious

Let me assure you that millions of 16-year-old boys are denied sexual favours by the objects of their desire. Yet, that doesn’t mean they run into the arms (or whatever they run into) of a member from the same gender. You make it sound like a didn’t-get-any-so-did-the-next-best-thing situation. If that was the case, you could have used many connected options, like a petrol tank, an inflatable doll or even a tree with large cavities (I, obviously am not…er… speaking from personal experience). You are having gay sex and enjoying gay…er… literature, so a quick calculation based on Einstein’s theory of relativity conjoined with Boyle’s 4th law of flotation, proves that you are gay! Enjoy yourself. Boyle and Einstein certainly did.

I am a 17-year-old boy studying in class 12. I have been in a relationship for more than a year with a girl, who is four-months older. The problem is what do we do next? Her parents have many dreams for her and even I have a career to look after. Her family members know about us and have accepted me, except her father, who is against our relationship. I need tips to win over her dad.
Dastaan

First of all, why make a big deal about the four-month older bit? I mean you’re acting as if she’s your grandaunt. Now ‘that’ would be a problem worthy of a psychoquackologist, such as myself. To win a father over, please follow this four-point agenda:

Agree with him in his presence and absence.
Make yourself as scarce as possible.
Make yourself as scarce as possible.
This is the most important point — do not forget to make yourself as scarce as possible.

The less he sees of you, the better it’ll be for all three. Even if you eventually marry her, make sure you continue to follow the four-point agenda.