I have a confession to make. I recently attended a wedding after 15 years. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that it seems like the couple always look stressed. I spoke to my best friend, Gaurav and his marvellous wife after they took their nuptial vows.
Bride – Well, the preparations started months ago…
Me – Of course. The wedding arrangements…
Bride –No, no, stupid! (Did I say she was a marvellous girl. Hmm.) OUR preparations. Gaurav and I had to go through rigorous training.
Me – (giggling) You mean practising for the honeymoon??
Bride – Gaurav’s warned me your mind’s in the gutter. Just listen. (Downgrade from marvellous to nice-ish.)
Bride – First we had to do our Facial classes.
Me – (chuckling) You mean removal of blackheads??
Bride (turning to adoring husband) – You told me he had a filthy mind but you never mentioned brainless. (Turning to me) No. Smile classes.
Me – Eh??
Bride – Smile classes, Rahul? The couple has to smile for four hours continuously. Do you know how painful that is? If you don’t train, your cheeks cramp, your eyes wrinkle for life. We had to remain in the ‘Grateful expression’ position for four hours in every class. You’d never be able to do that. Right, darling? (Meek, spineless husband nods head dutifully)
Me – (dry, mirthless laugh) Ha, ha! What else?
Bride –‘Tightening the bladder’ classes with our yoga teacher, Shri Dukhananda. We’d drink three gallons of water and resist going to the loo for twelve hours.
Me –That sounds brutal! Why??
Bride – God, you really are thick. (That’s it. Nice-ish out, shrew in). At the reception you have to spend hours receiving guests and gifts. You can’t say – ‘Oh, excuse me Auntyji, I have to go pee!’
Me – (with zero enthusiasm) Anything else? Gaurav?
Bride - Oh, stop running to your best friend! I’ll answer that! Finally there were ‘Local train’ classes. We had to travel in a local with a crush of people. Guests crowd the stage in this country and jostle for pictures. You have to withstand that and keep your composure. For hours. You would collapse, Mr. Bose, Mr Rugby Player! (Gaurav laughs like a hyena)
Me – Well, thanks and bye, Bitch and Lalloo.
Of course I didn’t say that. I just fled, swearing it’ll be another 15 years before I go to another wedding.