Here's the funny man Cyrus Broacha to answer all your queries.
This friend of mine and I have known each other for really long. But he’s only a friend, and nothing more. Some time back, I might have said something wrong, and he now feels that I have feelings for him. Even our conversations have become distant. I feel guilty of spoiling a really old friendship. How do I fix the situation?
— Ms Baffled
Ms. Baffled, you have come to the right person. Unfortunately he’s not there, so I’ll take your question. Awkwardness is very similar to baldness, as in, initially you have real trouble dealing with it. Some less intuitive person will ask you to be honest with this guy. Luckily, such a person has been removed from the premises. In any case, how many times do I have to tell you guys that honesty is not always the right policy and should be used sparingly? Instead, I say talk to him about some guy you may be interested in. Slowly, but surely let him know that you are into someone else (even if it isn’t completely true). This will put him at ease. Don’t rush it. Awkwardness, like baldness, takes time to accept.<b1>
I was in a relationship with a girl for two years. She dumped me for another guy and even deleted me from her Facebook friends list. She recently sent me a friend request and wants to speak to me again. At the same time, she sometimes ignores me. I want her to come back. What should I do?
Addy, she’s just doing things for her own peace of mind. Guilty of treating you badly, she’s trying to make amends. Maybe she saw an episode of My Name Is Earl last week. Honestly, no one can say what goes on in a woman’s mind. If we knew the answer to that question, wouldn’t the Samajwadi Party sweep the UP elections? In the words of Salman Rushdie when a hooded man asked him for an autograph — “Get out. Get out now.”
I am a 17-year-old closet lesbian. I have just entered college. I haven’t told anyone about my sexual preferences. Now, I have fallen in love with a senior of mine. We are good friends and I don’t how she’ll react if I tell her. At the same time, hiding this about me hurts a lot. I cannot afford to lose her. What should I do?
Pearl, let me explain. Tomorrow if a Pomeranian dog called Biscuit falls in love with a Neelgai, it maybe very difficult for this relationship to go further even if the Neelgai’s parents agree. What I am trying to say is, until you are clear that your sexual orientation is similar to the one you love, you’ll be barking up the wrong Neelgai, so to speak. Of course history, is replete with straight pomeranians, straying towards Neelgais and vice versa. But be prepared because no one can go against his or her inherent nature. Otherwise, why would I waste my time with women? Men, believe me, are much easier and far less hygienic.
I am a 19-year-old engineering student. I like a classmate, who’s quite friendly with guys. She calls me her best friend. I like her a lot, but can’t seem to express my feelings. And she doesn’t want to be in a relationship. What do I do? How long shall I wait before I propose? Please help.
— Die Hard
Die hard, or shall I say, Mr. Hard. Looks like you have already completed the spadework. She’s broadly put out the ‘relationship spoils career excuse’. This of course, as you and I both know, is absolute bull… err… remains. Prime Ministers, presidents, cardiologists, nuclear scientists and men with strange names like yours, fall in love in the midst of high-pressure careers. The bad news is, you are not the one for her, hence the excuse. So don’t die, look around and try harder. Leave her alone. You can do without the bull… er… remains.