Anurag Kashyap, Bollywood’s maverick bad boy in a chat-a-thon with
Dev D,Dev eats up the ticket of a woman who’s irritating him.. in
No Smoking, K asks a woman to get out of the elevator when she asks him to stop smoking. Do people irritate you that much?
(Laughs) No, no.. (laughs some more).. actually, yes. There’s a sequence like that in
also. I have this dark, sick sense of humour. Kalki has this book of sick jokes and I love those jokes! It’s funny to me how insensitive a man can get. (Grins) I think the sickest joke was the one I played on the audience with
Tell us a joke from that book.
Okay.. what can you give a girl with no arms and no legs? (Dramatic pause) HIV! (Mad laughter)
Do you like hardcore
Of course! My favourite one is
Amar Akbar Anthony.
I think it’s the epitome of art, not just the best amongst
I also love a film called
directed by Pankaj Parashar. It starred Roma Manik and Amjad Khan who had a pet phrase.. (Says in Anil Kapoor’s ‘Jhakaas’ style) “
!” The background score had the words
Peecha karo peecha karo
on loop. (Grins) I love that movie.
If you would have directed
Dostana, who would it have starred?
(Instantly) John and me.. I’m jealous of Abhishek Bachchan. I’d have called the movie
. (Pauses) No wait, it stars me too.. so I’d call it Visual
Have men told you that you are sexy?
Aaah! That time was 12 years and 15 kgs ago. People would ask me, “Why are you writing, why aren’t you acting?” Yeah, yeah.. men included! I’ve had men making passes at me when I was 21.. I would get scandalised!
What is the most outrageous proposal a man has made to you?
Pooja Bhatt had taken me to a gay party in Delhi after
released. A guy came up to me and started dancing. Tu
mera hero No 1
was playing. So that guy started being the woman in the dance while I was supposed to be Govinda. And when the song ended, he smooched me! I freaked out so badly.<b3>
And the most outrageous proposal by a woman?
I got a mail from a woman who wrote, “I’m very beautiful, I’m very sexy.. I’m everything you would want to see in a woman. Tell me your address and I’ll send you my photographs to tell you why.” I never replied!
Do you get propositioned a lot now?
(Laughs) No, no, no.
Mere saath aisa nahin hota
.. that way, I feel quite safe. It’s happened only once or twice.. that’s why I remember it so clearly!
Tell us about your lousiest date.
(Laughs) I have actually never had a single memorable date.. starting from my first date only, where the entire time I was just calculating the money. I had borrowed a bike and 200 bucks from my friends for that date. I took her to watch
, of all movies. During a torture sequence in the movie, she started screaming and held my hand.. later I realised that she only pretended to be scared because I had not held her hand the entire time! Worse.. after the movie, she said we’ll go to a discotheque and then go back to her place. But I had only 50 bucks and couldn’t afford the disco.. so I made an excuse and left and missed out on the offer. Can you believe that?
What do you love most about your appearance?
Nothing! I like to blend and disappear into the crowd.. I’m happy that way.
When did you first feel like a celebrity?
I don’t know.. I feel uncomfortable if I feel like that. It’s only now after the hoardings for Sony TV’s Rajuben have come up that people are recognising me. I’ve seen glimpses of people pointing at me, but they are not sure so I thank God and look away!
What’s your fashion statement?
I have my fetishes. I had a jacket fetish –– one of those things where
bachpan mein nahin pehenne ko mila, to bade hokar bahut saare kharid liye
! I had a shoe fetish too but that’s also gone..
abhi chappal pehen kar ghoomta hoon
. But I think my
fashion statement would be the auto rickshaws I travel in. My most important contribution to humanity is that I haven’t ever bought a car.. so I haven’t contributed to pollution.
What do you dislike about your appearance?
(Instantly) My stomach (slaps stomach). But I feel very sexy when I’m with my girlfriend, because she keeps telling me I’m sexy. Maybe I should hire some people who will always be around me when she is not there and chant “You are sexy, you are sexy.”
What’s the sexiest thing about you?
(Incredulously) About me?
Arre yaar, aise sawaal karega, to main bahut
. (Thinks). Okay.. the sexiest thing about me is my girlfriend.
Who’ll play you in a film based on your life?
John Abraham’s already played me in
! If it were someone else, the man has to be really sexy, tall, really-really good looking.. anyone Angelina Jolie would fall for.
Do you still write on fans and walls?
(Laughs) I wish I could.. but I’m not that flexible anymore. I need a stool and whenever I climb to any kind of height, I feel like I might fall because (points to stomach) my center of gravity is misplaced.
If tomorrow was your last day, what would you do tonight?
pooch liya yaar
. I’d try and be with my daughter tonight if that was the case.
What’s the perfect ending to your tale?
If I die after everybody is dead.. that’ll be perfect. I want the world to end in front of me so I can live to tell the tale. I want to be the Ved Vyas who’ll write it down for the next generation.
What would be written on your tombstone?
Doobie doobie doo
! Okay wait.. I think it will be written, “He lived unapologetically.”