‘I love a girl who is 88’ | entertainment | Hindustan Times
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‘I love a girl who is 88’

I am a very hot looking girl and I am dating a not very hot looking boy. My friends say that I should leave him because he doesn't deserve me. But he helps me with my maths homework. What do I do? Please help me.

entertainment Updated: Oct 01, 2012 16:22 IST
Cyrus Broacha

And I’ll give you some relief…. err… that is, provided, I’m not doing a headstand at the time. I am a 17-year-old girl and in love with a person who is almost 15 years older than me and unmarried. I don't have the guts to tell him that I love him because after that things might not be the same as before. Please tell me what I should do?
— KK

Dear KK. I understand your situation. I'm in love with a girl who is now 88 years old. I mean she would be. But Marilyn Monroe has been dead for 52 odd years. Now, while I understand your plight, as your legal adviser I must add, to act on this impulse will lead to your boyfriend’s arrest under article 878 or 971 or 30032 or some such article of the Indian Penal Code, as you are underage. Why don’t you visualise and imagine that this guy is me? If that doesn’t repulse you, nothing will.

I met a girl from my coaching classes on Facebook. We became best friends. Soon I started liking her and told her about it. She had a boyfriend before whom she still liked. Because of him, she rejected me and said that we could only be best friends. But now she doesn't treat me like before. What should I do?
— Confused Geek

Geek Sahab, in two words — run away fast quickly. Sorry that may have been more than two words, but I was distracted by the fact that you could not understand your girl is pretty, plain speak. After rejecting you, she’s avoiding you. Tell me what more do you want? Maybe a plaque in a public park telling you to back off? Or a film starring Ranbir saying ‘leave her alone’ in sign language? Or perhaps a sky-written message? Your behaviour is exactly like how Mamta Banerjee was reacting to FDI and diesel hikes. Don’t be unrealistic. She’s not interested.

I am a very hot looking girl and I am dating a not very hot looking boy. My friends say that I should leave him because he doesn't deserve me. But he helps me with my maths homework. What do I do? Please help me.
— Priyanka Pinto

Oh Priyanka, should a Rottweiler mate only with another Rottweiler? This question was put forth by Socrates (the footballer, not the philosopher) many years ago. Let’s face it. We aren’t equal? People are different. There is disparity and inequality. That’s why my grand-uncle Manu came up with the terrible caste system. Since you are so hot, why didn’t you narrow your choices down to Hrithik Roshan, Cristiano Ronaldo and Orlando Bloom? Of the three, I’m told Cristiano can even count…a little.

There’s a girl whom I know for a long time. She used to stay near my aunt’s home and we were friends. I started loving her since then. I recently met her at a birthday party after three years and smiled at her, but couldn’t talk to her. She doesn’t have a cellphone, nor is she on Facebook. So there’s no way for me to contact her. All I know is her parents’ cell number. But I can’t call on that number. I just want to know if anything is possible in the future. And how can I make contact with her?
— Kunal Pawar

I know this column is in bad taste. But to reduce me to a telephone operator is a real downer. I gather you want me to locate this girl’s number, but all you have is the parents’ mobile number? Okay Kunal, get creative, pretend to be the head of a modelling agency with a nice French name. SMS her parents, or call up offering a lucrative contract. Best-case scenario, she is pushed on the phone. Worst-case scenario, her father agrees to model for you. Come on, find a damn landline and call her!