Khalid's Bhavishyavani | entertainment | Hindustan Times
Today in New Delhi, India
May 23, 2017-Tuesday
-°C
New Delhi
  • Humidity
    -
  • Wind
    -

Khalid's Bhavishyavani

Khalid Mohamed gives his bhavishyavani on what our Bollywood stars will be doing for the months to come.

entertainment Updated: Jan 18, 2008 14:45 IST
Khalid Mohamed

We're in 2008 and all that. And I'm still ruminating. What if I were Khalid Daruwalla or better still Marjorie Mohamed? I'd be making Big Bs(read big bucks). So gather ye, put on your year-plugs. Do take note of my predictions for the months to come...

The topmost star will continue to be the topmost star, viz Shah Rukh Khan, because no one compares to him in the acting and sheer stamina departments. Many more biographies on him will be released. Except for the very Café Azmi poetic volume which I want to do.

Truth be told that may take years to complete. Like many writers in mid-age am likely to suffer from a writer's blog because of the collisions of Rahu and Ketu, whoever.

Your Khalid Daruwala will be asked if he is biased towards Khan.. and KD will respond, with a Texan drawl, "That's because I'm always partial to the best. My granny.. lord bless her soul.. taught me that."

Amitabh Bachchan will enjoy good health but will (fingers and nostrils crossed) never dig into his nose again, the way he did for Aag ki Ram Gopal Varma.. or Varma ki Aaag Gopal.

Salman Khan will still refuse to talk to Viveik Oberoi, John Abraham and Shahid Kapur.. and myself. We will take his dushmani very seriously and read self-improvement books to become worthy of him.

Katrina Kaif will talk to us but..thanks.

Akshay Kumar will be in Canada, Australia, Hong Kong, on a Caribbean cruise but never in a secret suite of the JW Marriott Hotel.

After having moved you to tears with the wonderful Taare Zameen Par, Aamir Khan will be encouraged to talk to the press ALSO when he doesn't need the publicity for his movie. So many of the reviewer types will want to know about his directorial style, the semiotic acting process and his mind intricacies.

Believe it or not, most of us journos will continue to be as serious about their vocation as he is. Roger Ebert, (late) Pauline Kael, Deepa Gahlot, Vikas Mohan, Maithili Rao, Sarita Tanwar, are you listening?

My crystal ball confirms that Aamir Khan will appear in very select projects. Joginder Singh will insist that he's in intense negotiations with Aamir for a raunchy musical project titled Lagaana bajaana.

Jodhaa-Akbar will be released.

Raj Kanwar will get very little time to make more movies because he will be invited to every wedding in town.

Bipasha Basu will make up, break up, make up, break up, make up, break up with John Abraham. Signs are that both of them will be signed up for a Hollywood project directed by errr.. Jag Mundra.

Mahesh Bhatt

will end his

maun vrat

(where's he now-a-days?) and return with a vengeance to give so many sound, visual and sandwich bytes that the Indian skies will need more satellite channels.

Ram Gopal Varma

will attempt to remake a musical -

Ram Gopal Varma's Jhanak Jhanak Paayal Baaje

set in an underworld dance school starring Nisha Kothari in all the roles because others will refuse to accept them.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali will repaint the walls of his house from blue.. to blingy Om Shanti Om retro-hues.

Ranbir Kapoor will rock.. and will make up his mind about which girl he wants to date.

Deepika Padukone will rock too.. and will make up her mind about which cricketer she wants to date.

Manoj Kumar will be upset with Farah Khan till she drops in again for tea.. then again for tea.. then again for tea.. till Shashiji, his wife, says, "Please stop." Manoj Kumar won't.

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, Hollywood, will bestow a Lifetime Achievement Award on Aditya Chopra. He won't go to collect the trophy because he never goes to public functions - not even to his secret wedding.

David Dhawan will make his first serious movie, as he always threatened to, and will call it Maine Aparahan Kyun Kiya?. It will star Govinda as a Vasai politician who is kidnapped by a TV channel head to hike up TRP ratings. The editor will be played by Sushmita Sen because it will be the only role offered to her next year.

Mallika Sherawat will scrap at least three more movies she has acted in because the directors did not wear enough clothes.

Abhishek Bachchan will not be photographed with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan because everyone just looks at her.. and not him.

Priyanka Chopra and Harman Baweja will return from Sydney and finally complete their film 2050. We can't wait 32 more years for its release, can we?

Jumping Jahan panahs. Akbar Khan will launch a new movie titled Taj Mahal Hotel: The Eternal Love Story to pay tribute to its grand architecture and restaurants.

Since the hotel won't grant him permission to shoot there, he will create the Taj at Film City and rename its eateries as Sunheri Dragon, Samundar-e-Lounge and Wasabi Ara. Yum.

Really, really, really. Feroz Khan will be declared the Sexiest Man in the World by the International Cowboys' Union. Roy Rogers, Lone Ranger and Clint Eastwood will hand over the leather hat-shaped trophy.

He will be accompanied by Fardeen Khan who will get the Best Pasta Eater trophy.

There will be no infighting, no scandals, no protests against new government levies and no FICCI seminar where no one understands who's saying what to whom and why. Meaning the show will go on. So to quote an age-old song Khaana yahan, peena yahan, iske siva gaana bajana kahan?