When Harry Met Sally in a Manhattan deli, she faked an orgasm so well, the lady at the next table wanted to have what she’s having. As censors in India have still not hit on the bright idea of censoring old films, you can probably watch the video. And do it while you have time because the way the snipping scissors of our few wise men and women are going, there will be no orgasms in India – fake or otherwise.
And why did we suddenly remember Sally? Because we also want what Indian censors are having because the kind of sanskari insanity they are purporting on James Bond’s latest outing Spectre has to be the result of something real crazy. It beats the posterior (a** ain’t sanskari you guys) of any other stuff people seem to be smoking these days.
Like all good sanskari people out there, censors hated that Bond said the f-word. They twisted his ear and told him to check such ‘unregimented’ necking. He was probably handed a copy of Prem Ratan Dhan Payo and asked to get a ready reckoner of how he should operate. If you see him handing a dupatta to the Bond girl or using love to bring Ernst Stavro Blofeld on the sahi rasta during his next outing, you would know what has been keeping him up at nights – PRDP and HAHK, with a generous smattering of Ek Vivah Aisa Bhi.
Censor Board is clear. Make in India? Good good. Make out in India? NEVER.— Ramesh Srivats (@rameshsrivats) November 18, 2015
Not that our censors don’t know that people have needs. Hell, in our country, even flowers and bees have feelings. What the censors don’t get is why Bond has to take the entire day doing all that kissing-vissing. To bring this errant schoolboy to book, they have given a shudh sanskari kissing time limit. And by cutting 007’s kisses in half in Spectre, they are sending him a strong message. They have told Bond: “Your time starts now; come on, get on with it; and cut down on all that passion.” If he doesn’t get the hint, next time you will see flowers and bees the moment he gets hot and heavy.
Daniel Craig probably knew what was going to happen to him when he reached the Indian shores. That’s why he famously said that he would rather slash his wrists than play Bond again. So, world media, stop tying yourself in knots over why he said what he said, the man’s just scared of Indian censors. For, he may save the world but who will save him from our Censor Board?
"I've been expecting you, Mr. Bond." Censor Board: "Cut! She can't EXPECT without pavitra bandhan of marriage." #SanskariJamesBond— Shirish Kunder (@ShirishKunder) November 18, 2015
Craig may have spoken to Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan. Fifty Shades of Grey’s lead stars would have told him that India never allowed their mommy porn to reach its shores. They were told, in no uncertain terms, that Indians don’t have sex, our burgeoning population is the result of ‘God’s grace’.
Or he could have had a word of advice from Hugh Jackman whose money shot in X-Men: Days of Future Past was snipped away by censors. Before you allege a reverse racism by our esteemed members, let us tell you they are equally merciless on Indian films. From Unfreedom to Parzania, from Bandit Queen to Black Friday, censoring and banning films is a time-honoured tradition that every censor board has been carrying on with relentless regularity. The reasons given range from banal to bizarre, but what to do, we have to safeguard that supremely fragile entity called Indian morality aka sanskar.
In fact, Bond needs to be thankful, his sanskari 101 does not include questions what he’s eating. What if we asked him to send his dinner for a DNA test? To borrow from 50 Cents, “Beef u don’t want none so don’t start none.”