No sex, only Fifty Shades of Sanskaar for India

  • Jyoti Sharma Bawa, Hindustan Times, New Delhi
  • Updated: Feb 12, 2015 11:08 IST

India prefers M&Ms over S&M. And sex? Who said we had sex, you West-inspired, culturally inept, morally-devoid son of so-and-so! We only have values, completely made in India.

However, even the right-wing associations will agree we cannot live in a void. So, when this cultural phenomenon called Fifty Shades of Grey comes calling, do we ban it outright? Nope (we have our street cred to maintain, can't be called totalitarian). Instead, we do the next best thing; we take all the sex and raunch out of this erotic film and make it shudh sanskaari.

Just to go with the ethos of Hindu Mahasabha which threatened to marry off all couples seen out together on Valentine's Day, we will get Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele married off. That's after Ana gives Grey a piece of her mind when he suggests the Red Room of Pain. Her answer to him, if you must know, is this: Ghar mein maa behen nahi hai kya.

You don't believe us, it is all here in a government-certified trailer of this mommy porn which is 100% true to Indian values and ethos.

Now that the trailer is done, just have to work on the film and get all those 'vulgar' scenes out. Going by the present conjecture, it'll take a week (too many kissing scenes, and worse, in there). So, while the rest of the world will watch it on February 13, we will get it next week.

So how do we do away with all the love and kisses? Censors can do what AIB did and replace them with two flowers and a bee in the background. Oh wait, that didn't end well for AIB.

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