The Indian Political League is over for now

  • Arnab Ray
  • Updated: May 29, 2014 21:41 IST

The elections are over and Modi Sarkar has arrived.

Which means it’s either a flight out of India with KRK in your elbow space or happy times at shuddh shakahari parties with family-friendly cultural films.

To my dear friends from the Congress, I have a message. Remember, no matter what Rahulji and Soniaji may say, the responsibility of this massive defeat lies solely on your shoulders. Now of course the duo, being as humble and of-the-people as they are, will insist that they should bear the blame but your job as a Congress-person should be to whip out a whip, and self-flagellate till blood comes out, while crying “NO we have failed you”.

If you need a reference, look at videos of North Koreans expressing love for Kim Jong-un. Remember that though the Congress now looks like San Francisco after Godzilla stepped over it, in Indian politics ‘acche din’ always ‘aane wale hai’ since the junta, after a few months, ‘maaf karegi’ or more precisely, forget everything.

Which means the Congress will most probably be back, Terminator style, and at that time, the depth of your remorse today will be remembered. Keep repeating the line ‘We lost because we were unable to communicate to the people the achievements of the UPA government’ because it implies that the defeat was because of a problem in marketing and not of performance.

Try to not think of the fact that the problem was exactly the opposite, too much of Congress’ real ‘achievements’ (their management of the Commonwealth Games) were revealed to the public. Finally, always say ‘We accept the people’s verdict’ because it fools people into believing that you are being magnanimous whereas the truth is you had no other choice, short of declaring Emergency that is, and we both know that doesn’t work out well.

To my mitron from BJP, celebrate for a while but don’t overdo it. Temper your expectations and don’t fall into the Obama trap of unreal expectations. In other words, don’t give Modi the Nobel in advance. For I am sorry to have to break this to you Bhakts but the rest of the country won’t be transformed magically overnight into the mythical state of Gujarat, and there is rightful scepticism whether it is all that is made out to be, nor will Pakistan bury itself into a hole in fear of the chappan-inch missile-chest. And oh, go easy on the trident-waving because Modi’s mandate is for development, not for religious brinkmanship.

To my AAPis, read that Aesop’s fable about the golden egg-laying goose. It must have sounded fun to jettison the state of Delhi and go for the big prize but really, you should have sat this one out, accomplished something tangible, and then contested the next time round, instead of looking as you do now like Ashok Dinda after bowling an over to Glenn Maxwell. But let me offer a sincere thank you for the healthy contribution to the coffers of the Election Commission, since most of your candidates lost their deposits.

To Nitish Kumar, you were right. When the BJP chose Modi you said “Vinaash kaale viprit buddhi”. We thought you were referring to Modi but actually, being the sly politician you are, you were actually talking about yourself. Brilliant move. Being famous for creating super-reservation classes like ‘Mahadalit’ may I propose a new class called ‘Mahaparajit’ where you, Maya, Karuna, Rahul and Sonia may all be members?

And finally to everyone. Breathe in. Breathe out. Relax. And stop shouting.

The Indian Political League is over. For now.

Arnab Ray is the author of May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss and The Mine
The views expressed by the author are personal

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