Want to stay alive? Don’t say these five things to your woman, ever.
I know hundreds of articles have already been written on this subject by experts from Tokyo to Timbuktu. But before you go rolling your eyes, tell me, have the men of the world learnt? If you are among those who had a fight with their girlfriend or wife not more than 36 hours ago, you would know that they haven’t. So, I still wanna take up this lost cause in the hope that it will knock some sense in some heads, especially that of my friend Jayant, for whom the number of ‘Go To Hells’ have far exceeded the number of ‘I Love Yous’ in his romantic life.
So, what exactly is it that men say to the female species that guarantees hell on earth? Here’s my countdown of what to avoid like plague if you wish to reach even the ‘C’ of calmness.
5 ‘You remind me of a girl I used to have a crush on’: Ha ha, think you are paying a compliment, you idiot? Any talk about your ex-classmate/collegemate/neighbour/colleague or worse yet, your ex-girlfriend or wife will accomplish only one thing — make her wonder why they still exist in your head. This is true even if you are trying to shit-talk about your ex to flatter your current partner, like ‘my ex-wife never cared for me the way you do.’ Stop, stop, stop. It won’t work. Do not bring ex-es into conversations, even if sometimes your girl may herself try to. It’s a trap honey, always backfires.
4‘Are you PMSing?’: If you think you are scoring a point in an argument by showing off your knowledge of female hormonal functions, God help you my friend. Don’t ask your girlfriend if she’s grumpy because she’s about to have her periods. It’ll make the argument worse, especially if she indeed is in a pre-menstrual grouchy phase. Remember, men, too, have hormonal situations of a different kind, and a discussion on those could reserve a special place in hell for you in future arguments for years to come.
3 ‘How many boyfriends have you had in the past?’: Would it make you happy if she replied, ‘seven’? Would it please you even if she said ‘just one’? Basically, the answer to this question can only take your mood in one direction — downwards. Because even if she said none, you wouldn’t actually believe her. So why do you want to know? I don’t understand this hopelessly faulty logic about starting relationships on ‘honesty and truth’. No one is asking you to lie. But why volunteer head-on into an account of past romantic misdeeds needlessly because the truth is that deep inside, you don’t really want to know.
2 Anything bad … or too good, about her friends. Calling your girlfriend’s best friend a dud may make her upset. Calling her hot will make her upset. Basically anything much that you say about her friends is treading into potential girlfriend-enraging territory. Try to lie low and not comment too much on her pals, especially those under the gender ‘female’. Every girl on this planet suffers from insecurity in varying measures, and any attempt by you to fan it will only make her tell you someday to ‘go and date that friend’ only. Avoid.
1 ‘Have you gained weight?’: You already know this, don’t you? If there is one thing worse than putting a gun in your mouth and shooting your tongue off, it’s telling your woman that she’s gotten fat. Take it from me, no matter what age, race, nationality, caste or creed your girl is, the future of your relationship will depend on how less is the time gap between her asking ‘do I look fat in this dress’ and the answer ‘no’ flying out of your mouth. Even if the scales and your eyes tell you that she’s twice as big as she used to be, this is one truth no man is allowed to acknowledge. Ever.
Sonal Kalra forgot to add ‘you can never cook like my mom’ to the list. But you know it already, don’t you? Please help in putting together a list of ‘what never to say to your man’, for next week.
Mail your inputs at firstname.lastname@example.org. For more calmness tricks, follow her on twitter at www.twitter.com/sonalkalra
Note: On reader feedback, this column is a re-run of the one previously published on April 03, 2011