... and 4 other lies men never get tired of telling women
Alright, here we are. All you guys who have been grinning from Pune to Patna after last week’s column —please control your emotions now and don’t show your teeth. You knew that girls will get back, didn’t you? And got back they did in the form of over 800 emails to me in the past seven days, first chiding me for being biased towards men and second bombarding my almost non-existent brain with info about things that guys do which drive women to the wall. Please note that I originally wanted to write on things guys ‘say’ that girls don’t understand, but then I realised that the poor guys don’t really get a chance to speak often, so they don’t really say much. Anyway, I can’t help but confer the ‘best sense of humour ever’ award to God for having made the two genders so different... and so interesting, in the way they think and behave. One universal grudge that the girls who mass-scolded me this week mentioned in their mails was men always claim to listen to what they are saying, when in reality their mind is elsewhere. They also gave quite a colourful description, in their view, of what that ‘elsewhere’ is but then my column comes with a U-certificate from the censor board and I won’t share all of that.
Vaise bhi mujhe
bol hi diya hai
, so I can be a little partial to the hapless guys here.
But yes, it is true that guys have an uncanny ability to exhibit selective deafness when a woman is speaking. It’s another thing that women usually talk so much that the guy’s mind involuntarily switches to the sanity-saving mode. And starts to think about critical things such as work and TV and friends and beer and boobs. There. I said the last word, and I may lose my precious U-certificate but considering how many of you wrote to me about the obsession guys have of talking to a girl’s body parts instead of the whole of her, I had to say this. Anyway, my dear brothers and fathers, please pay attention to some of these other things that are snatching away your
1 ‘I know this route’: Well, what’s with men thinking they come with an in-built GPS? A lot of women complain that even if it means driving round and round in circles, a guy’s ego won’t let him ask for directions to a place, especially when he is with a girl. Eh lo, ab gum hona bhi cool ho gaya? “My husband drives me crazy, literally, by refusing to stop at a corner and asking someone where to turn. Even my brother used to do the same,” wrote Shivani. Funnily enough, when I responded to Shivani’s mail to thank her for the input, her husband Ankur replied. “It’s she who drives me mad. She wants to stop after every 100m and reconfirm what one bystander tells us, with another. Women are directionally challenged, they should just stay quiet,” he wrote. Ankur Bhaiya ab tum toh gaye. One, because you check your wife’s email and two, because in a sudden fit of sadism, I’ve written your real names. Happy dinner tonight!
2 ‘It looks clean to me’: Yeah right. Ask the hapless mum or wife who has asked you for the millionth time to clean up your room or your wardrobe. They will be happy to detail out the mess for you. You would still not get it. From leaving the toilet seat up to a wet towel on the floor, from unwashed denims strewn all over the room to the two chappals who’ve broken up with each other and would never be seen together, guys do it all. What the girls can’t understand is how, when they both studied in the same schools and passed the same CBSE or whatever board, can the meaning of ‘cleanliness’ be understood so differently for the two genders. Let’s sue CBSE, anyone?
3 'I was looking at you, not the TV’: A Scottish ‘man’ named J.L Baird, invented television in 1923. It’s been 89 bloody years! And still the men of the world are mesmerised by the invention so much so that they can’t take their eyes off it. No matter what they’re doing. Go out for dinner at a nice restaurant to unwind, and what do you find? A man has thought of this brilliant idea to put up a wall-sized screen with a sports channel running on it. And your man then spends the entire evening glued to some Godforsaken West Indies Vs Shimla match of 1995, ON MUTE, nodding absentmindedly at all inappropriate junctures in the one-sided conversation. Ugh. Nirmal Baba, can you please do something nasty to J.L Baird’s aatma? Reply asap.
4 ’I hardly ever shop!’: When they buy something, it is a necessity. When women buy something, it is wasteful expenditure. Clap, clap. Once I saw a guy friend justify buying four pairs of denims at one go on the pretext of denims being ‘basic necessities’ and he not having anything good in his wardrobe. By the way, all the four were damn expensive and looked exactly the same to me. But when his girlfriend started shopping for her own outfits, the frequency of him looking at the watch became Guinness record worthy.
“You girls take so much time in deciding,” he sulked. Well, yes. Because we buy DIFFERENT clothes mister!There are so many more, but I’m done. This girls Vs guys is a very sentimental topic, you see. Girls are mostly senti, guys are mostly mental and they are always out to change the other according to how they are. I’d say spare yourself the effort. The two are wired very differently. Just pray that when the life on Mars is being decided, the tender for creation goes to a different God. Mr Kejriwal, please ensure fairness.
Sonal Kalra thinks that if men and women are asked to live each others’ lives for a month, everything will go quiet in the world. Sadma lag jayega.
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