If Osama Bin Laden was to write to his killers about the attacks in Mumbai, this is what he would probably say:
Even ignoramuses like you must be aware there’s a long tradition of comparing countries in the region with various animals and mythical creatures. So we have the Russian bear, the Chinese dragon and the Asian tigers. But there’s one country that’s not a tiger, not even an elephant, but a big fat sitting duck. This is one of my favourite places, where we’re free to take pot shots at the people whenever we like. That’s why, whenever any of you cretins feel an itch to become a martyr, or get an urge to kill some unarmed men, women and children, your first choice is naturally Sitting Duck Land. It’s a great place for target practice.
These guys really lay out the red carpet for us. It’s almost like they said, ‘Want to try out some of your bombs, why don’t you pick Jaipur? Is Jaipur too dusty, why don’t you give Bangalore a try? Or do you prefer the national capital?’ They really welcome foreigners into their midst. Their borders with Bangladesh, for example, are so porous that you now have more Bangladeshis in Mumbai than people from West Bengal. The clods they call their intelligence people wouldn’t know we’re going to hit them even if we sent them an invitation to come and see the fireworks. Their pot-bellied cops wouldn’t be able to spot us even if we walked about under their noses wearing T-shirts that said ‘T for Terrorist’. Best of all, they’re armed with weapons they probably last used in World War 1.
Their leaders, I call them Chief Sitting Ducks (after the great Red Indian warrior Chief Sitting Bull), hold the world record for ineptitude. You won’t believe it took them twelve long hours to get their crack commandos in place for an assault. That’s great news for us, because we can go around killing a lot of people while they find out where they’ve misplaced their sharpshooters. No wonder we’re hitting them once a month now.
Their Chief Sitting Ducks are also vastly entertaining. Just a few weeks before our latest attacks, one politician was going around inciting people to bash up their countrymen from the north. Another one held a massive rally in which he proposed selling a snack called vada pav as the solution to the city’s unemployment problem. The ruling party was busy propping up the anti-northerner guy to eat into the votes of the vada pav salesman. And all of them are busy playing off one caste against another. It’s a fantastic place for our kind of work.
These guys have rebellions they keep simmering for decades. In Kashmir, the government is too scared to send the people from the plains to settle in the valley, which would have solved the Kashmir issue the way the Chinese solved their Tibetan problem. On the other hand, they’re also too scared to give the Kashmiris independence. So the problem festers, which is exactly what we want. In the north-east of the country even a rag-tag outfit like the ULFA can strike terror at will. Forget about rebels, the entire north of the country was thrown out of gear by a bunch of agitating guys called Gujjars and nobody did anything, because they were scared of losing their votes.
But guess what really makes me roll on the floor laughing. It’s the notion these guys in Sitting Duck Land have that they’re about to become a superpower. I mean, what can be more ridiculous than a country that can’t even ensure security for its people having these dreams of glory?
Is there any chance that we may be attacking them too many times and that they’re close to losing their legendary patience? Could it be that, after their last pathetic performance, these sitting ducks might actually try to get their act together? Don’t worry, they’ll do absolutely nothing, except go quack, quack, quack.